I am mean

I am mean, and nasty

I am cold and unforgiving

I am hard and unyielding. I say horrible things, with venom and anger. I am not this person at heart but cannot stop her from speaking. I wish to duct tape her mouth shut, hid this wretched person in a closet and forget she exists. Why am I so damn mean!? Why can’t I just be kind and sweet and the person I am supposed to be. The person that people tell me I am. I am not that person to him, I abuse our friendship and love. I treat him so badly, and I don’t know why. I mean I do know sort of  I think it’s because he said he would love me through anything, and forever and I don’t know if I am testing that theory or what.   But it has to stop. Why does it take so much effort to be nice?

Is it because I feel so out of control with my life? My Weight? My house? My relationships with people? My Job? Or are these all excuses? I don’t know, and don’t need comment to this ranting. I need to find my center, my motivating voice that tells me the sweet things I need to hear.

Why am I so DAMN MEAN!!??!!??

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