It’s been a long time since I have written anything here, so long I wonder if I should even be doing this. But the release and feeling of peace I get from what I write here is nothing I can match with a journal or email.
I am feeling very much like a disappointment right now. I have let down members of my family, my friends and people in general who are in my life. I am not present enough, not available physically and forget about the phone. I was so wrapped up in my own stuff, my own darkness for the last year, year and half that things have been damaged in my relationships. I wish to fix them, my relationships that is, and I am trying. I am making an effort, whether people see it our not I don’t really know. But the important thing here is I am trying, something that didn’t occur to me to do while I was weighted down in my own mind. I thought, naively that people wouldn’t notice my absence, let alone resent it. But they did. I should feel good that people care, and I do but not as much as I can feel there angst and dissatisfaction with me. I keep hearing a line from one of my favorite movies, in it a character I love kills herself, leaving a note for one person. All the note says is ” I am so f**king disappointed in you, shape up”. Some times I wish my friends, family, the people would just say it. Say what they really think of me, how I hurt them or whatever the emotion they are feeling is. It would do no good, at least I don’t think it would. And to be perfectly honest I am very afraid of what would come out of their mouths.
I will continue on at this point, knowing that my meek efforts will likely go unnoticed.I want to say to the universe, I am trying, if I could get out from under the weight of the disappointment that is heaped on my shoulders I am sure my efforts would be much more apparent. I am trying to remember that these are feelings we are dealing with, not something to be turned on and off at will.
I am trying though.