The hardest part is over; I told the family about my problems and about the baby situation. Everyone is so supportive, and wants to know what they can do to help. And I wish this thing I was going through was easily taken care of. I wish the hugs and well wishes made it better. I am so grateful for this amazing support system, and hope that everyone is open to the educational experience we are all about to go through. If not then knowledge will be slapping them in the face shortly.
My fear in all of this is that people will think I am damaged, or beyond repair. That people will think that they could have done something, been more present, or pushed less. I am afraid that people won’t believe me when I say to them, this is not about you, and it’s about me and a deficiency in my chemical makeup. There is nothing anyone but myself could have done to change the path I am currently on. And the only thing I could have done is seek help sooner. But I am stubborn and bull headed and thought what I was going through was the blues, or better yet hormones. Faking it until I make it was not going to fix it this time.
I feel kind of like I am a kid again, in that I am going to be learning anew how to handle stresses, how to analyze and slow down and breathe deeply. I have to be very aware of the moves I make, the choices I make, the things I promise. I am going to be learning in the next few weeks and months how to do so many things that I have been doing incorrectly for so long.
Please don’t misunderstand, I am not beating myself up I am simply stating the sense of awe I feel right now at the challenges ahead. I am hopeful, and that is a feeling that has been fleeting in the last few years.
It helps to write it out everyday, to post it out there in the hopes someone will read it and know that they are not alone. It happens all the time, the deep sucking dark that is depression. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t get out of bed, I wouldn’t shower, and I let people see me in the worst possible ways. If one person reads this and feels that “aha” moment, it will have been worth every moment. You aren’t alone, neither am I.
I am normal, on the way to be better.