The last 24 hours or so have not been good ones. Nothing major happened, I didn’t have a panic attack and I didn’t sit and cry all day yesterday. But I didn’t have a good day, I was sad and surly and my chest is tight, the aura of a panic attack. I am afraid to breathe to deeply right now. And it frustrates me.
I think I thought because I was feeling better, because I was feeling more even and happier that I wasn’t going to have bad days. I now feel foolish. I lay in bed last night, trying to sleep, tossing and turning, fuming and fretting. I finally got up, and went to living room where Jacob was. I apologized, because I knew I had not been nice to be around all day. I am fighting so hard to be normal right now, having spent so many years in this state of pretend. I just want to be steady, and fun.
I know I will be eventually; the prospect of being in counseling for years is daunting, I am sure it won’t be that long, but the way I feel and have felt in the last 24 hrs is a reminder of how far I have to go. The negative chick that lives in my dome is trying to push the positive me down. I am trying to stay optimistic, because even though we’ve only been doing this for a month, I do feel better, but I am going to have bad days. I am trying to make today a good one. I can hear Dory in my head, you know the blue fish from Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming” I am going to write that down and keep looking at it today. I really just want this tightness in my chest to go away, I want to feel awake and alert, I want to smile, and make it genuine.