I had an evaluation last week while I was at my counselor. He was testing me for ADD or ADHD. He told me I would receive my results via mail, at the same time as my physician. I don’t know why I was nervous about reading it, I wasn’t sure how much of me would be in there and how much of it would be very clinical and dry. It came yesterday. And I left it on the coffee table for about an hour, forcing myself not to rip it open and read it. I was making an attempt to diminish the “importance” of what was written on that paper. I read a book, I petted my dogs, and finally I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was right; it was clinical, and kind of cold. But it was me, and I now have a diagnosis for what I have been going through. My counselor, who is a doctor, has concluded that I do have ADHD, some OCD and of course my chronic depression. He is recommending an additional medication and continued therapy. So it’s done, it’s said, it’s out in the world now. I want it to explain things, to make things make sense from my life. The truth is I have had this problem forever, and have dealt with it. Honestly I just thought I was scatter brained and a bit of a underachiever. Those things may be true but I don’t know how I am going to feel when I get this drug and suddenly the world snaps into place. I have always been a bit manic and hyper, but I think it was part of my charm. I am not required to take this medication, and there is no guarantee my Dr. will give it to me. I know there are other options out there for treatment, a diet change and meditation. I may try that too. I won’t know about my DR until next week, I scheduled the appointment weeks ago for a review of my Lexapro.
Dean, my counselor, described it to me this way, he said my fluid levels are low, like in a car. “you’re probably a quart low on dopamine and a pint low on serotonin” So the idea is to get me leveled off with a touch of this and that and then hopefully be able to teach me some techniques to handle my stressors. To handle the things that send me over the dark edge.
But I can’t help thinking, what if I do get this medicine and I wake up a few weeks from now, calm and balanced, able to prioritize my life, and suddenly I have no idea who I am, or how to be this way? I want to be better, I want to be happy and productive and I am either one or the other usually. I didn’t know it was possible to be both at the same time, for an extended period.
I guess we will see.
I still want to be me at the end of all of this. I hope that is possible.