The By-Product of my past

In an effort to let go of a hurt I am going to write and post the following. This is a hurt I have been carrying for several years now, and it is doing damage to my soul. I am writing this to let it go, to let you go, and to move on truly with my whole heart.

I thought I was your family, but I have since found that I was not. I was nothing to you but the by-product of a relationship, the daughter of your friend. Just because my Mom felt deeply for your children, did not mean you had to reciprocate. I mean, I thought, for a long time that you did. But the truth is when things got tough, when my Mom wouldn’t bend and compromise her values you tossed us all aside like garbage. You missed major events in our lives. And when we were the bigger people and tried to mend the gap, you kept up the pretense for a while, because it made you look better. It made it so you wouldn’t have to answer tough questions about our absence. It’s funny because the world also thought you cared for us.

I miss the woman I thought you were, but only because of my fond memories of her. I am angry because I think it was all a lie. And you were such a major fixture in my childhood; you have made me question everything I know about you. I am angry at you for hurting my Mom, for hurting my family. But I am done crying about you and your absence.

I just don’t want to give you that much power anymore. You are kind of sad, and I feel sorry for you, because you have missed out on spending time with us. And we are pretty damn awesome. We’ve become these strong women, with opinions and ideas and our capacity for love is boundless. You’ve tossed that aside so you don’t have to be “alone”. The truth is if you had opened your eyes, you would have seen that you were never alone. We would not have left you ever. But that is because I think ultimately we know the true meaning of family. It’s not about blood, or names, it’s about caring enough about a person to look them in the eyes and say I love you, mean it, and stand by them through everything.

You will never see my kids, or my Mom become a great-grandmother, you have missed weddings, and will miss graduations and showers and birthday parties. And you won’t be missed. I am letting you go, I am letting my anger go. I am going to try not to think about you, worry about you, or worry about running into you. If that happens, or you do intrude on my thoughts, I will try to smile and say hello. Then tuck the memories away, because you have no place in my world. You are the by-product now, of a life that I have left behind.

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