I keep stepping outside of my box. For so long I convinced myself that I will have a bad time if I go out and do things I did when I was younger. I was to scared, too tired, to sad to be around people. Oh what I have missed. I am trying not to live in this regret I feel, but I do regret, and I am sad because I missed so much by not reaching out and asking for help sooner. I have damaged relationships, caused rifts and missed out on some kick butt times.
Last night we had a company outing, we went to an outdoor country concert. I am not a huge country fan, but Jacob and I had a good time. We had a good dinner, had a couple of drinks, and we came home tired and entertained. Last weekend I ventured to a drive-in theatre and spent some memorable hours with my friends and the kids. I even went to a bar last week and listened to a band. See these are all things I would not have done a few months ago.
Jacob would try, he would push and coax and beg to get me to do things. To call my friends, to get out of the house and do things that were fun, not just work or my volunteer stuff. I was so bogged down in my issues I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I just can’t believe all I have missed. The key now is to make sure I don’t over tax myself trying to make up for lost time. I can’t get those days back; I can only go forward from here. I can only try to repair the damage I have done, and hope that the relationships that are saved are better and solid for having gone through this.
So I guess I do have regrets, and the biggest one is thinking I would be weak if I asked for help. I needed the help; I need the medications and the unbiased ear that I speak to weekly. I also need my people to be aware of what is going on with me, and know that I am trying very hard and fighting for a new life for myself. There is no shame in honesty, no shame in seeking a professionals help, no shame in needing to be balanced out by a little bit of medication. What I see in the mirror right now is a woman, who’s happier and more stable. I can’t believe that’s what I see.