Yesterday I stayed home sick. I slept all day but got up to keep my counseling appointment. As crappy as I felt I thought I should go and talk out what’s been going on with me the last week or so. I almost wore my pj’s but put on jeans and brushed my teeth. I really didn’t want to but I thought I should, just in case. My counselor doesn’t think I am back sliding, he thinks that the combination of getting sick and some stressors I have allowed back into my life are the reason I am feeling so down. He thinks once I start feeling better, with the sickness I will start feeling better in general. I am hoping he is right, and putting faith in it. He is suggesting I stop piling things onto my plate, he thinks that is part of the reason I feel like I am drowning sometimes. He is trying to show me its okay to say no, that is a lesson hard learned.
I cried a lot yesterday in my session, mainly because I realized a lot of what I am struggling with is directly related to my self-image and my need to be needed. I have always liked being called Mama Mere, and that doesn’t happen anymore. I am still taking care of people but it doesn’t feel the same as it did in the past, it doesn’t feel like it’s a necessity more like habit, and it’s not really appreciated. Others have stepped up and done it in my absence.
The other issue of course is I don’t really like what I see when I look in the mirror. I guess I never really have. Oh I have my moments, those nights/days when I feel really well put together, I feel the confidence and swagger that I believe most people feel all the time. I was told yesterday that most people don’t feel confident, that you get “natural” swagger when you are young, between the ages of 6-9. The rest of us have to work for it. I probably had some swagger in high school when I weighed a lot less, was a cheerleader and super social and involved in the outside world. I mean I dated cute guys and had lots of friends so that inner confidence must have shown through at some point.
I find that most people are surprised when I tell them I don’t like myself, or that I suffer from depression and anxiety. People always say I would never have known it of you. Well that is of course the acting gift of the depressed; we are really good in small doses. We wear our masks well for a couple of hours at a time. The toll it takes on us though, these social situations, it’s huge. We will sit for hours and days afterwards collecting and crying and building back up. Since I have been on the medication I don’t have to do that after social situations, well most social situations. Sometimes the situations are overwhelming, but I will someday learn to deal with that. Until that time I will just enjoy when I can, and recoup when I can’t. I still need to figure out what to do to like what I see in the mirror. Still have to make that plan and execute it. I want to see in myself what others say they see when they look at me.