I have been debating something, do I tell my family and friends to read my blog or do I leave it alone? I have mentioned it to most of them, told them I will not use names, unless I am given permission. But I haven’t given many people the link, or mentioned it other than to say I am writing a blog. I’ve gotten a few likes, some comments, and I am leaving my small footprint in the blogosphere. I know part of my resistance is fear; fear that I won’t be able to say exactly what’s on my mind, they way I have been the last few months. Part of the fear is that people will read it and hate it, or worse ask why I am not talking about them in the blog. Or they’ll get mad because I did talk about them even in an abstract way and what if someone who knows me could figure out who they are.
I am walking a fine line here folks, because I really want to vent, spew, celebrate and bitch about the journey I am on. And folks, this is one hell of a journey.
Part of me also knows that this blog would offer an insight into me that people don’t usually see. Not that I hide things, on the contrary I have been wide open with people in my life about what I am doing right now with therapy and with meds. I do hold my tongue though and sometimes I smile and eat shit because it’s easier than bucking the system. I am working on that, the list of things I am working on is quite long at the moment.
Reading this blog might get some people who are being hard on me to realize that I am being really hard on myself. It might offer some a glimpse at my daily struggle to function as a human, with real emotions and turmoil and hills to climb. It might make me seem whiny and needy to some, who knows, all I know is I want to share this but I am really scared of the IFS in this situation. They are many and varied, and all boil down to am I ready? Am I ready to invite people who know me into my mind and hope they still like me when it’s over? There are 70ish posts now on this blog, all varied, some predating this new path I am walking. If I let people see it, people who know me, will we change? Will we be different for them having seen it?
I will keep you posted, oh great anonymous world, and let you know if I open the door and let those who know my face read what’s floating through my mind and soul.