Sisyphus was a Greek god, known for the story of the punishment inflicted upon him; he must push a rock up a hill only to have it roll down again for eternity. No satisfaction to be had for the labor or gratification of success because success was unattainable. It is a common reference to the everyday struggles that people face. In fact I have been thinking of this story for a while and how it really is applicable to life and everything we face daily and several of my favorite bloggers have recently referred to him by name so I thought I would satisfy this need in me to talk about my continued struggle to push that rock up the hill.
I feel like I have worked really hard emotionally for the last few months. The last 2 weeks have been a true test of will power and I think it says a lot that while I have struggled and cried I did not sink, I did not allow the dark to over take me as I have in the past. I hate to say it but I want some recognition for this fact. The hard road still lies ahead but now it seems lit by possibility. I know it’s kind of corny to say it that way but there is this world that is opening to me where I determine my course and when I am blown off track I can roll with it instead of freaking out on my husband or my family and friends. Not that I don’t have my freak outs, please I am still me at the core and freaking out is one of my specialties but I find that I am able to get better control now but just stopping and realizing that I don’t make the world spin.
I still have some tough decisions ahead; I still have some hard conversations that need to happen. I still have some struggles and don’t expect that I will ever have a day without some struggle. But I am confident now that if I continue my medication, continue my therapy, and continue to be open and honest with the world about what is going on with me that I will be able to look back in a few years and cheer. I am so looking forward to popping that champagne bottle and celebrating sanity and accepting my frailty. I can’t wait for the day when I can see it more clearly from the distance.