The eternal question

I am happy to report that both my therapist and his office are still in one piece.  I spent my entire session yesterday dealing with some deep issues I didn’t even know I had. It was pretty liberating and sad in the same breath to realize that everything I am dealing with is not only normal but expected when you’ve pushed emotions and issues down for so long. I was given permission yesterday to do what is necessary to survive. My therapist said to me, just hunker down, get through, don’t try to tackle too much right now, just ride what you have just learned and survive.

For the longest time I have fancied myself an Agnostic, believing there is a God but not subscribing to any one denomination or train of thought as it pertains to religion. Your relationship with God is very personal and should be, but I have been struggling lately with that relationship. It is hard for me to blame God or hold him accountable when I don’t always acknowledge his existence. My Christian friends would tell me that it doesn’t matter if I acknowledge him, he acknowledges me. Which actually kind of makes me mad, because if that is the case I would say I am being ignored. They would say I need patience, but I have prayed for that. I think I need to find that from within.

I think something that I have wanted for a long time is a true relationship with God. Something I see my Catholic and Christian friends have. There is peace in their souls and the faith they have leads them through dark times. I don’t have such faith so I rely on myself, my husband, my family and friends to hold me up and hold my hand. If I wanted to be fanciful you could say that my reliance on my support system is me relying on God since he is responsible for their place in my life.

I guess we could have that debate all day, it’s the never-ending question and answer. The ever-present train of thought. If God exists and is everywhere then he is in every one of us. But if you don’t believe then what is that voice in your head, that feeling in your stomach when something is wrong or right, that leap in your heart when you feel joy.  I can’t put it up to God, but I can’t say it’s not him either.

The reason I am even following this thought path right now boils down to me. I have been told in the adult life to “turn it over to god”. I have tried, I have asked for help, but I don’t know if my prayers were in desperation or in true faith that he is listening. Not that I will stop talking, I never will. Hell I talk  in my head as I write these posts. I guess my point is, I would love to be able to blame God for my lot in life, but I need to take some responsibility. Putting everything in his hands would be a waste of my time, since he only shows you the paths, he doesn’t make you walk them. The greatest gift we have is our ability to make our own choices. Mine has lead me to the place I am, and as much as I struggle in the moments, I know that I am working toward something.

Hopefully when I reach the next cross-road I can see clearly enough to take the correct fork, if not we may be having this conversation again.

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