A-Ha

Yesterday I had what you might call a breakthrough. I thought that these things only happened in movies where the main character was in therapy for years and suddenly one day opened their eyes and “SAW”. Yesterday I was sitting on a couch, that I have sat on 56 or so times in the last year and spoke about the loss my Uncle last week. I spoke about my utter exhaustion and my wish to just be a happy person, someone who could rest in their skin and find pleasure and contentment in the moment.
Here’s what I realized, something I have said over and over to countless people, I figured out that I am the only one who puts this pressure of perfection on my plate. Some of my desire for perfection comes from my youth, thoughts of grandeur and some image that I created about what a succesful adult looks like.
I have spent countless hours in my adult life trying to figure out how to be “better” to measure up to this impossibly high marker that I had created in my mind. I always have set a goal and thought that happiness was just on the other side of that goal. I would tell myself that if I just get through “this” then I will be happy. If I just paint my bedroom, if I just clean out my car, if I just rake the leaves, if I just….. And then I realized yesterday, I am succesful. I am not a failure of a person, but an amazing woman capable of so much. I know Mom, you’ve told me that for a long time, but somethings you have to come to on your own.
I am successful because I function, because I have the love of a wonderful man, the support of an amazing family, I have friends, a job, 2 dogs, a home and countless other things that many other people don’t have, and never will.
That’s the other thing I realized, I don’t have to compare my life to anyone elses, the satisfaction and happiness I feel is mine and mine alone.
So here I sit, contented, not happy yet. But I can see the vision of the person I want to be. I will be spending some time in the next few weeks figuring out what holds me back, is it something I put on myself? Is it something I let be put on me? Do I have to dig out the roots of the neurosis or is it something I can just brush away? I don’t think this new enlightenment will make things easier at first, but if I stop focusing so much on making everyone around me happy and start focusing on the things I can impact I think I will like the person I become. I can see her, up ahead, and I am excited to meet her. I am excited to figure out how to seek my joy. And with the help of my new-found feeling I think it will be a wonderful journey.

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