I never wanted to be different. In fact I wanted to just be normal, which is weird because I like that I am an individual. I think its important to be singular in your style or tastes but to appear to be “normal”.
I never wanted to be someone I “used” to be. Someone I don’t even remember existed. People keep telling me things will be better when they go back to the way they were. Huh? I don’t want to go back to pretending I was fine, to waking up every night panicking because I thought I was going to die, or disappoint or forget something important.
The problem is that in order to fit in again, I have to remember who I was without reverting to that person. Somehow the new me is more intense, more honest yet I am holding back the most essential parts of me to blend in. I need to find the right way to do this.
Part of what I am going to do is continue to forge new friendships and let those that are not good for me drift away. That’s hard to say, but the truth is it is the right way to go about it. I am also going to try to remember when I am happy, how I got to that moment and what about it is soothing or whatever.