No one that isn’t going through it, or has experienced it in the past can truly know the sheer exhaustion that comes from deep depression. To know the effort it will take you to rise, and shower and face each day and the stresses that will present themselves. To know the effort it takes to make small talk, to smile, or to even turn your head and listen to a question.
Explaining this to people who
A) don’t believe in the realities of depression
B) have never in there life dealt with these things
and C) who don’t really even believe in the science of the chemistry of the mind, is both frustrating and futile, however it is necessary since people will constantly ask you what is wrong when you are in the throws of depression. My first answer is usually, ” I am fine, thanks” the second is usually the same, by the third request for information I inevitably let it fly and give them the truth, which in turn scares them or they feel is an open invitation for their suggestions on how I should handle it. My favorite response is, ” you seem happy to me” to which I love to reply, “good, that is the point” In my world it is a successful day if I can get through it without one person asking me if I am okay, it means that my “fake it” is working, because my F**k it attitude doesn’t win fans.
I sadly wept in my therapists office last week that I just want to be “normal” that I want to look at my “off” days as just that, but because I now know when I am slipping into a depression I am hyper aware of my emotions ALL THE TIME, it’s a frustrating and demanding cycle. He replied ” you aren’t normal, that’s okay, and you can’t un-know what you already know” I am acutely aware of the fact that I can’t go back to the time when I thought that my depression was normal, and I really don’t want to. But I keep hoping that one day my body will cut me a break. It won’t happen, so I sit here, hunkered down in survival mode, which is the only way to get through it. To analyze it, and see where its coming from. To sleep as much as possible, because I know that getting up tomorrow will take all my effort, and to get through another day at work where I need to focus and be productive, to come home and sink blissfully (yes I mean happily) into the couch to prepare to go to bed. This is to survive right now, to walk lightly and quietly and hope that the crazy bitch that shares my head-space with the soft spoken fun me, won’t rip the head of of someone who does not deserve my venom. It will be amazing if I can survive this time with more intact then the last time it was this bad. Wish me luck sweet world. I am going to try to get through the rest of today, and let tomorrow take care of itself.