Small back slide. I feel worn out today; I know I pushed too much. Last night I went out with my wonderful sister had some dinner, a beer and then we went to our mutual stylist to get our hair done. I went for color and she went and got her hair chopped, super cute.
My hair looks great but normally when I leave the salon I feel rejuvenated, and I felt sad and a little intimidated. Not really something I have ever felt before. I look good; I mean it’s nothing to do with the trim and the gorgeous red that was chosen for me. I can rock a red, and I usually have a pretty edgy hair cut, but since I have been wallowing in this most recent bout I have avoided the salon like the plague. And one of the things I did while I was avoiding, was I started to grow my ultra short hair out. It was past my chin, and she only trimmed it to make it grow evenly but as I saw the small cuts, I felt like I was losing my armor. I was looking for something in the salon chair and it didn’t meet my expectation, or “tickle my reward center” as my therapist would say. It tells me that even though I am definitely out of the worst of this, I am not out of it entirely.
I think one of the worst things about chronic depression is that you are aware that at anytime the chemicals in your brain can fail you and you can start slipping. One of the benefits of this knowledge is that now I know that so I can better handle it when I do slip and slide. It’s really easy to get caught up in the “damn, it’s happening again” but now I know that it will come to an end and that there are some things I can do to speed up the process, like making myself be around people. As hard as that is sometimes, but the end result, days, weeks or months down the road is I do get to step back into the light.
I know I spend a lot of time here referring to depression as darkness, black or bleak, and the reprieve from it is usually referred to as the light. Philosophical, spiritual, it’s none of those things that I speak from; it’s truly how I see this thing. I see people who don’t suffer from depression and the thing that shines from their eyes is the light. I also know many people who suffer with varying degrees of mental illness, and through the smile and effort sometimes you can see the dark, and the effort it is taking them to breathe. I guess my point today of this random statement is, for those of you that read that know nothing about this, please be aware that no one can know your struggles and someone you speak with daily may be fighting the never-ending internal battle for peace. For my friends, family and readers that know what its like to live in the dark and walk briefly in the light, the light is coming, it will find you, don’t give up, you know that this too shall pass.
“But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you. With all my heart. I love you. -Valerie” V for Vendetta 2005 Warner Bros.