Once again as my depression ebbs I find it harder to put words onto the page. When I am “wallowing” in it I feel eloquent and burdened so my words seem to spring to life. But when I feel better I tend to write posts that I don’t post, but delete.
Even now as I sit here typing, with my morning cup of coffee cooling in front of my chest I think about highlighting these words and hitting delete, but no matter how terrible and pointless this post may be I am going to force myself to hit publish.
I feel the world turning around me, and my eyes are once again bright with hope. Hope is the word I think I seek most right now; I want to hope for more. I want to hope for peace and quiet and laughter and spontaneity. And for some reason when I get those things, those precious things, I start to question my worth in having them. My Mom, my biggest supporter on this site, will surely tell me that I am worth all things and more. I love you Momma, but it doesn’t change the interior monologue that we wage within ourselves.
Another big supporter would also tell me I am worthy, and I love you all for that support and in reality it is your words that drive me to seek all good things, because when we are in the dark we don’t want things for ourselves.
So not deleting, going to publish this random post and hope for a better one later today, or Monday. I did say Hope folks……