The reality of living with depression, anxiety, mental illness is that you are very hard on yourself. You are constantly asking yourself how you can fix something, how you can be better, how you can get Mr. So&So to like you, or even be nice to you. You tend to be hyper sensitive as well, in that I mean you take things extremely personally. I like the child that stared at me the other day as I was waiting to cash out at the grocery store, he couldn’t take his eyes off of me, and the first thought that floated through my brain was I was scaring him, that my shape or size was freaking him out. It couldn’t possibly be because I looked like someone he knows, or maybe there was a balloon behind me. Nope, in my mind I had done something wrong, and worse I thought about it, a lot, afterwards. So here is my reality, I recognize these traits and while I would want to change these in other people I will always find it hard to change them within myself. Maybe by calling it out and realizing that it is part of my daily reality I can deal with each issues as it comes up. Instead of letting it keep me up at night.
I think another reality is that you will never be able to fully explain to anyone how you truly feel, because that judgement you worry about is always lurking just behind the truth you want to spew. I know that I will always struggle with mental illness, and honestly, I am okay with that because I keep getting new tools in my toolbox to help me in tackling these issues as I go. I will continue to vent and preach here as I need to and seek help also. Because for me the key to living my life on some level of “normal” is to recognize when I am slipping and address it.
It’s a slippery slope this brain of mine, and the chemicals I lack are dearly missed. But with a little help and support and an outlet I know that my reality is manageable, and sometimes wonderful. Being so hard on yourself lends itself to pushing harder, striving for more, being better at things than you thought you could be. It sometimes means that your failures or stumbles seem gigantic, but the farther I walk on this path the more I learn from my slips and trips.
I guess what I am really saying is that I need to take a break on the girl in the mirror and I ask you to take a break on yourselves as well. Keep moving forward, small steps still gets you down the path, I tend to think of the letter from V for Vendetta when I rant like this, but I will repeat my favorite line, again. “But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you. “