I am so tired today from pretending to be fine. There is some truth to fake it til you make it but I am so deep in this current depression it’s exhausting. Had a therapy session last night and at the end of it I asked my therapist of 2 1/2 years if he thought I was better or worse, he thinks this is the worst that I have ever been. I couldn’t agree more.
Before I started this journey of therapy, drugs and awareness I was depressed, there was no doubt, but I didn’t really know it. I just thought I was emotional and sensitive and I did a lot of damage to myself, my family and friends. Now that I am aware and treating it there is a sense of ignorance was bliss. Because I am aware of myself now its hard because I know how good I can feel and I am not there.
My therapist has suggested that I have depression with psychosis, and if this new regiment of medication doesn’t kick in in about a week he wants me to turn over my meds control to a psychiatrist. That makes me nervous. But whatever, I will do whatever I have to do to break this cycle of depression, paranoia and hyper sensitivity with a focus on major self deprecation.
I told my therapist last night that the best I feel lately is when I am writing because I am not filtering it. It’s flowing without thought of the audience or the phrasing. With the exception of spell checking my posts I am just letting it all out. And if my readers are bored with my rants I do apologize. But this is another avenue of therapy for me.
I also am very aware right now that I am not alone in this struggle. There are people in my life currently suffering with all different stages of mental illness and I know that we can get through this.
So why did I title this post sleepy face, because resting bitch face didn’t seem appropriate because I don’t feel bitchy. I feel scared and tired and sleepy and whiny. And I think if someone put a mirror in front of me right now that is what they would see.
I know that I will get through this dark time, and I know that there are people reading right now who are getting through, have gotten through or are just beginning there own personal walk. As a little inspirational end to today’s post, I know we can do this. I know that if you seek help, or walk, or take your vitamins, meditate, check yourself into the hospital, ask for help or even if you are boot strap puller ( not a phrase, whatever) that you will ride out this wave and the sun will shine again.
Take care of yourselves this weekend, and I will try to do the same. Breathe deep, remember you are not alone.