I took a huge step yesterday and admitted to my therapist that there is something deeper wrong with me. I don’t want to be “crazy” and the idea that the symptoms I have been suppressing are those that are directly identified with that harsh word. But i said it out loud yesterday and my therapist is sending me to a psychiatrist for additional assistance. I am not completely comfortable saying this out loud yet but the fact is I am going to say it here, in an effort to be transparent and authentic. I have a voice in my head, that is destructive, damaging and scary. I have referred to her many times as “the crazy bitch that lives in my head” but I think I was purposely being vague that she is real to me. She is not my conscience, she is vicious and savage but only to me. She tells me things like, you are worthless, you shouldn’t even be alive, you are horrible, all the things that eat away at any self esteem you may have in your life. And the worse part is that as I am typing this I know that this sounds scary, and the people who know me that read this are going to be hurt that I haven’t shared this with them yet. Let me just say, that I told my husband this only last night. And he handled it better than I could have expected, or I guess better than I thought he would, he hugged me and was glad I am going to get more help. He said to me, I have heard you refer to the crazy bitch before, but I didn’t know she was “real” (I put the quotes there, he didn’t)
Needless to say, this whole situation is scary to me. Everything I am doing right now is uncharted territory for me and I am scared. More scared then I have been in a long time. But I am trying to cling to a shred of hope that I will fix this problem, and that I will start to really tackle the issues that are holding me down in the dark. I am afraid people won’t want me around, that they won’t want me near there kids or that if my co-workers found out I would be even more ostracized. I can’t even keep the tears in right now as I write this. So if you could put me in your thoughts, say a prayer if you are so inclinded, but stay tuned for the never ending saga.
Please take care of yourselves, I know you can do it.