It’s been about a week since I have posted. I can only say that I have been avoiding writing anything down for fear of disturbing the fragile peace I am wadding in. I can’t even say wadding in it, I have my toes in the edge of the surf of peace. In therapy yesterday I admitted that I wasn’t writing because I am afraid to not only disturb said peace, but that I won’t find the comfort and relief I normally feel after my fingers have finished flying over the keys. I now realize that sometimes you have to do things, even when you don’t want to in an effort to get back to normal. I have admitted out loud to the internet, to a select small group of people the true depth of my mental illness, and the appointment is scheduled with the psychiatrist to get additional help, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am not being real, honest or authentic because I am choosing not to tell everyone in my family. I can’t explain how maddening it is to struggle with myself on this. I thrive in an honest environment, but to be this honest, raw and open is just not something I can do yet, I fear more than the words I will speak.

Today is a even day, even Steven. I feel level, not up or down, just a steady hand. I am making myself do things, moves and counter moves, to make sure that I don’t fall off the edge of this and end up in the dark again. Like I went and got my hair cut last night, but it’s so short I have to get up in the morning, style it, and put on some makeup so I don’t look hideous. And wearing a sweatshirt instead of a blouse won’t work with this hair, so I am going to try to fashion show at night to find things that are comfortable and cool looking. Hanging it all up so I don’t have the excuse of nothings clean and grabbing my armor(hooded sweatshirt). I am leaving my makeup on the counter, so I don’t have to look for it in the morning. Little things, trying to keep the momentum.

I wonder how many people who read this blog feel like I do. I assume some do because I have followers, or maybe you just like the words I am writing down. Either way I appreciate you in ways I could never express. Good luck today. You are doing great, even when you don’t feel great.


One comment

  1. I’ve been there…I know how you feel. I feel people who suffer from the blues like this are often very intelligent, thoughtful people who see the reality of life. They say that optimists are often not accurate in their perceptions and that’s what enables them to be happy and succeed…not that that makes us pessimists, but I hope you get my point. Reality is harsh.

    I respect you for striving to be authentic and honest, and just because you can’t admit things to people in your real life doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic because you share here. I think there are so many like you out in the world, and to share here is good for you and for others. It helps, simply.

    Thank you for sharing.

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