I have spent the last few weeks running around like mad, which is what people do around the holidays I guess. And part of what I have realized is that I have done this so I can silence the voice in my head. She goes away a little when I am so wrapped up in moving forward. But as I get closer to the holiday and as my checklist becomes complete she echos in my head.
What is this fear I have of letting her go? I know what some of it is, fear that she is my creative voice that I have nurtured for years. Fear that the person I will be without my self doubt and self abuse is not someone I would like to be around.
In truth I have been avoiding writing because I felt that if I acknowledged this fear it would make it more real. But that’s not true, what makes it real is that its my life, and I am not sure who I will end up being when this is over. It is scary and unknown and makes me hesitate.
Hopefully this is not my last post of the year, because I would like to think I won’t let this fear stop me from doing something that I love, but who knows, the only thing I know for sure right now is it is Friday and I have 4 hours left in my day.