I keep returning to this page hoping to be able to tell a different story. I wish I could say that the past few months have been good but that would be a lie. I continue to see a psychiatrist to monitor and adjust my meds, I see my therapist to help with tools and release, but I am not much better than I was. The cautious optimism I mentioned previously was warranted as my body quickly adjusted to the new meds and my lack of proper chemicals flipped the middle finger at my attempts and continued to pull at my heels trying to drag me back to the dark. I can honestly say I have no real short term memory right now so I feel completely disconnected from those I love. Not sure if this was a conscience choice or a situational response to the way I am feeling. I keep pushing forward, making plans and trying to keep them. We are going on our annual Memorial Day camping trip tonight and I am repeating the phrase “this will be fun” in my head trying to get in the right mind space. I will try to smile and enjoy my time but I fear Sunday when my world snaps back into reality and I have to start dealing again.
I truly didn’t want to come back here and write about this. I was hoping to be able to come back and write funny posts about the great things that are happening in my life. Don’t get me wrong, nothing tragic is currently happening, and I think that is what is so frustrating about having chronic depression, you know that objectivly your life is good, food on the table, roof over your head, money in your pocket, supportive family and friends. It sounds so good, on paper and out loud, but my brain doesn’t precieve joy and contentment the way other peoples brains do. Its hard to know you have been betrayed by your body in more ways then one. It is not just aging that robs you of things, mental health, infertility, all of these things should be a given. I should be a “normal” woman, with the ability to have babies, to smile at wonderful things and to lay my head on my pillow at night and only worry about tomorrow, or whatever it is normal people worry about. My body has betrayed me, and I am trying to take care, to work with what I have but damn it I am tired. I bet you are too my dear readers, tired of always reading the debby downer stuff I post.
I think my goal has been to offer support to others out there who are going through something similar. To hopefully have one person read this and know they can get help and be happier. I wish that for others and myself.
Maybe I will stick to some fictional posts for awhile, a little poetry or short story to break it up a little. Or maybe I will just avoid writing again for awhile.
We shall see.