Author: mereditty

I am a 30 something trying to figure out the difference between crazy and eccentric.

Thoughts for a Tuesday

It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to write or even had the time to write. I need to make the time I know. Today is a strange day. Today is the anniversary of the death of my Uncle John. A wonderful, funny, caring, family man who was taken way to early by a horrific disease. Today upon waking up I was struck by thoughts of my family, cousins/his children, and Aunt(his wife) and his siblings my Auntie and my Dad. I struggle with the right words to express my feelings this morning. Sadness yes, depressed (usually), but I am trying to remember the good stuff. I know I will get there.

Additionally I am exhausted. I’ve spent the last 8 months working 2 jobs, but the second job is in service of my future. I am apprenticing to become a cosmetologist. Simply stated I go to an actual salon 3-4 days a week instead of to school and I learn hands on. It takes longer than cos. school but it’s less expensive and I learn better by getting in and doing it. It’s been fun to find a creative outlet that expands my mind and could make me some money 🙂

My depression and anxiety is mostly under control, although the last few days have been rough, which is probably why I am pulled to write today. I really need to find my balance again, and I am afraid it will take some difficult decisions to get it. But I can kick that can down the road a little longer.

The next 8 weeks will be insane. Between birthdays, holidays and an upcoming wedding, I’ll be busier than normal. But we will get through.

Thanks for reading….

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Timid Salute

To all the would-be Mothers, wish you could Mothers, wish God would Mothers. To all the brave faced ladies, tear-streaked face ladies, and smile with grace ladies. To all the someday women, have faith women, in another time or place women. To the almost was, the lost before but still loved, taken to soon and to young. To all the body betrayed, heart dismayed, try another day and another way women. To the thanks for the advice, remember they are trying to be nice, but it cuts you like a knife ladies.  To those who shine it on, pretend nothing is wrong, but cry when you are gone souls. To those who support them, hold them, cry with them, and feel their loss with them. You are not alone, not abandoned, not broken. To the scores of women who survive another day, who face the world come what may, and continue to learn lessons along the way. So today my dear ones, this is my timid salute, to the childless Mothers and all you go through, because you are worthy, lovely and strong, and you know better than anyone that life does go on.

It’s been a rough couple days, weeks, years, whatever. I made a huge mistake and work and feel as though my credibility that I have spent 4 years building is now in the toilet. 3 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to emotionally handle this but I am doing it now, if not the most graciously. I am also working on keeping my trap shut, because I don’t always see eye to eye with the men I work with. I am the lone woman in a group of men, and I am an island. Soon though another woman will be joining our ranks, and I am not all that excited about it. Whatever, moving on.

My neck of the woods, Michigan has been hit twice in the last week with a lot of snow, but the good news is its almost over and soon the gray rains of March will wash away the snows. I didn’t lose any weight this week at our weigh in, but I didn’t gain so I am happy about that. I also get to eat 3 veggie heavy salads each week to help me out. Because the diet food and I aren’t great friends. Jacob’s lost another 7.5 lbs bringing his total lose to    70 lbs now, which is amazing and I couldn’t be more proud.

I guess there is a horrible stomach virus going around, and I am praying I don’t get it, unless its like Sunday night so my Monday weigh in is awesome 🙂 I feel scattered, as you can probably tell by the above rant. I feel off and not great and really want to go home and go to sleep, but I am thankful because its not a depression sleep, its an exhaustion sleep. Yay for the little things.

I had a  moral dilemma this week, on top of everything else. Maybe a moral dilemma isn’t the right phrase but its the best one I can come up with. I witnessed my bosses son doing something illegal, not like stabbing someone, but using tobacco as a minor. And my instinct was to tell my boss, but another part of me, the part that still wants to be a teenager or in my early twenties wanted to let it go and be “cool” about it. Because I did stupid stuff like that when I was 16, but I didn’t do it where adults could see it. See here’s the thing, I know that kids do this stuff, but knowing and KNOWING are 2 different things. I mean come on, he knew I was in the office working, and maybe its that he has so little respect for me or his Dad or his job that he just did it. But what I really think is, he’s a kid that thinks he is invincible. I know I used to think that. I wish I still thought that. But as we age (gulp) we realize that everything Mom and Dad said when we were younger is so TRUE. I wish I had this wisdom when i was there age, because then they might listen to me. But the won’t and don’t. Either way the punk got busted that night anyways so while I told my boss because it was my obligation, I still didn’t feel good about it. Maybe I will now that I have written this long a#* post.

I wonder if I am suppressing the stress that is usually tapping me on the shoulder. I have a lot to do, but I am approaching it with a lackadaisical attitude right now, and I think that is bothering me more than the stress usually does. I know I am moving slower and more deliberately since I made the ERROR here at work. It’s funny when you can see your Christmas bonus for this year already dwindling as the cost of fixing my mistake gets bigger. For now though I am going to drink some water to try to settle my stomach, take some deep cleansing breathes to calm my mind and nerves and hopefully finish the major projects that need finishing by Friday. Or maybe I will surf the web until my lunch is over, either way ta ta for now.

Update

I committed in my mind (and on this blog) to try to write everyday of this diet, then I got sick, crazy sick for about a month, and just recently have I started to feel better. In that month of sickness I did not progress very much in our VLC diet, but I did make progress and some discoveries.

  1. I have now lost about 26 lbs. Considering its been about 8 weeks that seems pretty good. and since I had no expectations for myself I am happy with the lose
  2. I am recognizing my true emotional dependence on food and drinks. Now I am not a drinker but there have been times in the last 2 months that I would love a Grey Goose and Tonic with limes. To go with my giant plate of pasta, garlic bread, pizza, chocolate cake and oh wait, I can’t have any of that right now.
  3. Jacob is doing fantastic. He’s lost 65 lbs, and is almost under 400 lbs, which he hasn’t been since before we got married 11 1/2 years ago.
  4. This has nothing to do with the diet. But I am in a pretty good place emotionally. It started before the diet and has just  continued. I can’t say specifically what it is, but I just feel better. And if you’ve suffered from chronic depression, you know how good the days in the sun can feel. I’ve gone off one of my meds, and I am only seeing my therapist about once a month.

So those are some of the discoveries I have found in the last 2 months. I can tell you I am excited to start on real food in 4 weeks, and I am looking forward to the challenge of cooking for my family in the ways we are being taught. I am so grateful that Jacob and I are doing this together, because its the only way it could work.

There you have it, my most recent update. Hoping to be able to do it a little more now that I am not sick as a dog. Take care of yourselves this weekend.

Day 9

Another day under my belt. Trying another new item today, and hoping that its good. Struggling a little bit with the variety, which kind of worries me this early in the game. I am starting to think that by the end of this I will be living on protein shakes, protein hot chocolate, protein bars and my fake lean cuisines. Which I think I will be okay with that. I just need to find the right mix of items.

A have a potential road block up ahead. My sister in law’s baby shower, which I am cooking for. That is going to suck! I may talk to the nutritionist about it and see what I should do. I mean at this point, even 9 days in, I would love a big fresh salad and a bowl of soup, which is exactly what I am making for the shower. So I am aware of it, I know it might be a problem and I have to figure out how to deal with it.

 

Day 4-8

Hi there.

On day 4 I came down with the flu, so while I stayed on plan, I didn’t eat everything I was supposed to, I didn’t eat things I shouldn’t.

So for day 4-6 I just ate as little as possible and slept.

Day 7 was good, we went to our first clinic and meeting and YEAH! Jacob is down 17lbs his first week, and I am down 6 lbs.

It feels good, I am very proud of Jacob and I really want to eat something real, like a salad. But I am 8 days in, 6 lbs lighter and I am going to focus on that.

 

Day 4

So yesterday ended up sucking! Terrible headache, the uncertainty of a situation with someone dear to me and for the first time in a few days I was really hungry for “regular” food. But I got through it. The  uncertain situation may not be as dire as predicted, but we are in the wait and see phase. And after a decent nights sleep, and a dose of migraine medication I am getting through today better.

I am hoping to tackle a house project tonight and will be spending the day with my youngest nephew and niece tomorrow so I know I will sleep good Saturday night. Not sure if I will make it on for day 5/6 but I will be back on Monday for Day 7 and on Day 8 I can report my first meetings/clinic and weigh in.