Day 3

Today is better than the days before as I think that my body is not only acclimating to the lower calories but my internal clock is telling me when its time to get more fuel. So that is good news. So far there has only been one item that I thought was disgusting and thankfully I only bought it 1 time.

I am slightly distracted today, because someone I love dearly, and treasure is walking an uncertain path. And waiting is the hardest part, waiting find out if everything is okay, or if everything is changed forever. I sent up a quick prayer and don’t mind that it was a selfish one because my life is not complete without this person in it.

To summarize, Day 3 is going fine for the “new normal” but personally i am sitting on the edge of my seat, temper short, staring at my phone waiting to find out.

I love you…..

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Day 2

I have decided on top of trying to do this daily, I am not going to shoot for clever titles as this is as much a diary for me as an entertaining pass time for you. So yesterday was day 1, I ate 830 calories all day and went to bed early with a headache. Headaches are a side effect of the “new normal” but I think it is related to the lack of caffeine. I woke up with a headache today, so with my first snack of the day, Amaretto Hot Chocolate, I added coffee to it instead of hot water. It was okay, and I am hopeful that this headache will go from raging to mildly irritating.

Jacob is doing great, he said he was full all day yesterday and was feeling really good. So I am pumped about that.

Another surprise from day 1, our prepped meals that we had for dinner were actually pretty good. Think lean cuisine with lots of protein, but they tasted better than I thought. I did cheat slightly and put garlic salt on mine, I had to do it since I couldn’t have Parmesan.

Tonight I am hoping to get my Wii set up so I can start that out a little, but honestly I may not since I feel pretty worn out. I know I will get used to this, its just a matter of time. It’s funny though how much you realize you are addicted to food the minute you can’t have it.

 

 

Day 1

Today Jacob and I have started a medical weight loss plan.  It is super intense for about 12 weeks then we begin to retrain our bodies on eating healthier. After years of struggling with our weight, and the looming threat of health risks that come with getting older, we decided to try it. Today is the first day. I am going to try, in an effort to hold myself accountable, log in here daily and talk about this new journey we are on. I may or may not include pictures. But I will be interested to see how this physical change can/will impact my mental health issues.

An update on that, since I haven’t been here in quite a while. I am better. I use that term loosely, because I will never be “cured” so to speak, but I am better. I am more aware, more patient, more forgiving. I am still forgetful, but that is not surprising. I am hopeful, which is a surprise.

So here’s starting a new chapter, 85 days left to go.

God put you on my heart….

God put you on my heart, are you okay? I stopped short, processing the thought and responded quickly, drolly, and realized maybe God did that. We chatted about nothing important, peppering the conversation with realness and superficial responses, and ended the conversation with I love you. God put you on my heart. It kept ringing in my head as I try to sleep last night. How did he know that today would be so hard? That I would struggle not to cry even as I remembered the short conversation. 1 year ago today my Grandmother passed away. On this day 14 years ago we sat in silence as our nation was terrorized and our core was shaken. Both these events can cause tears with the simple memory of them. God put you on my heart, as a reminder that we are all fragile, and precious and wonderful. But also to remind us that we are not alone in this world. My dear friend has struggles of her own, sadness that weighs heavy on her heart and home but she felt the need to reach out and remind me that I am not alone. God put you on my heart. There is poetry in those words, comfort and solace and hope. All the things that I like to think God represents, all the things I wish humanity was. Today I will weep, for the loss, tragedy and horrors of the past, I will weep for the memory of the Grandma that has been lost to me for years, not merely the one she has been physically gone. But I will also smile, knowing that through all of this we can become stronger, more compassionate, kinder, gentler and more humane. It is my hope. God has put you on my heart today, and I love you.

HAPPY…

Today my world is in better focus, because I got a treatment for my vertigo and that is helping tremendously. My last baby shower of the season ( yes there is a baby shower season in my life) is over, so I am done planning that kind of thing for awhile and I get a small break before the next major rounds of birthdays begins.

I am finding myself trying to readjust my perspective on a lot of things. Like, most people aren’t HAPPY most of the time, most people are content most of the time or even neutral. Not sure where I got the idea that there were only 2 emotions when it came to the living of your life. My therapist did ask where I got my “Disney-like mentality” from. Not sure… or not positively sure. But I have thought for most of my life that if you weren’t HAPPY then you were doing something wrong. Not sure if adjusting this thought process will be easy, since I don’t produce the right chemicals but I think acknowledging it is a good first step.

I’ve set up these standards, road blocks, whatever and told my self repeatedly that if i just did this, then I would be happier. Or if I just cleaned my room then things would be easier, or if I just had a new couch I would be better ( I have never bought a new couch in my life). But now that I am actually better(ish) I have to say that it doesn’t matter what trivial thing I do I need to be content with me.

For those of you struggling with depression, anxiety and every other imaginable mental illness, please remember you are not alone. There is a HUGE community of people out there just like you, some suffering in silence, some grand standing like me but still struggling like you. There is light at the end, I promise.

Spinning and other such nonsense

Hey, so awesome sauce I have some kind of insane vertigo that makes me feel like I am going to vomit constantly. I have been dealing with this for like 4 weeks now, and they put me on a anti-spinning med, but I had to go off of it to go see the specialist. Thankfully that is today cause I don’t like having the drunk spins without a cocktail.

I am still trying to adjust to my recent mental med changes when my awful psychiatrist switches a medication again. I haven’t picked it up yet, personal protest or maybe its the vertigo, or my short term memory. I will get to it I promise. But I just can’t right now, and since I haven’t been taking the other one I think I am fine for a few days.

On the personal triumph side of things, I wore a bikini in front of people last week. I am a roundly shaped human so this was a big step for me and let me tell you it felt good. It was nice, and no one judged me. Or if they did, they did it silently which I appreciate. I also changed a light switch by myself, because I am superwoman without a cape.

Throwing a baby shower this weekend with the ladies in my family and I am amazed at how quickly we pick up things when a challenge is thrown down. It’s awesome and the shower will be great, and hopefully when it is over I get to sleep for a full week. But I am not counting on it.

So that’s the news from Grand Rapids, not super interesting but I’ve been gone for a few weeks and I thought I should dip my toe back into the water. Have a great weekend.

Angry

I am angry about what is happening in our country. I am angry that we still live in a country where the deaths of 9 people at the hands of a domestic terrorist is downplayed as the act of a “lone mentally ill person”. I am angry that we still have to defend the rights of our citizens, the basic human rights to live your life as you see fit. Why can’t we be the society we are supposed to be? This makes me angry, and I don’t know what to do with my anger.