It’s been about a week since I have posted. I can only say that I have been avoiding writing anything down for fear of disturbing the fragile peace I am wadding in. I can’t even say wadding in it, I have my toes in the edge of the surf of peace. In therapy yesterday I admitted that I wasn’t writing because I am afraid to not only disturb said peace, but that I won’t find the comfort and relief I normally feel after my fingers have finished flying over the keys. I now realize that sometimes you have to do things, even when you don’t want to in an effort to get back to normal. I have admitted out loud to the internet, to a select small group of people the true depth of my mental illness, and the appointment is scheduled with the psychiatrist to get additional help, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am not being real, honest or authentic because I am choosing not to tell everyone in my family. I can’t explain how maddening it is to struggle with myself on this. I thrive in an honest environment, but to be this honest, raw and open is just not something I can do yet, I fear more than the words I will speak.
Today is a even day, even Steven. I feel level, not up or down, just a steady hand. I am making myself do things, moves and counter moves, to make sure that I don’t fall off the edge of this and end up in the dark again. Like I went and got my hair cut last night, but it’s so short I have to get up in the morning, style it, and put on some makeup so I don’t look hideous. And wearing a sweatshirt instead of a blouse won’t work with this hair, so I am going to try to fashion show at night to find things that are comfortable and cool looking. Hanging it all up so I don’t have the excuse of nothings clean and grabbing my armor(hooded sweatshirt). I am leaving my makeup on the counter, so I don’t have to look for it in the morning. Little things, trying to keep the momentum.
I wonder how many people who read this blog feel like I do. I assume some do because I have followers, or maybe you just like the words I am writing down. Either way I appreciate you in ways I could never express. Good luck today. You are doing great, even when you don’t feel great.