Day to Day

I am hyper aware of myself right now. Over anazyling every emotion, reaction and change in mood. I have read this is common in people newly diagnosed with bipolar. So for a little relief from the bubble ready to burst inside I am going to ramble for a few minutes about these “issues”

As I said I am slightly anxious, a side effect of the changes in my medicine no doubt. I feel speedy one moment and wiped out the next.

Last night I couldn’t find a gift I had been given for Christmas. And as I was going to bed it suddenly became the most important thing in the world that I find it. I tore through the house, getting more frustrating, actually thinking someone was playing a trick on me. That maybe I had forgotten the gift somewhere and the giver was just waiting for me to ask for it. After chewing on that idea while I looked through drawers 2-3 times I actually had to stand up and tell myself that was silly. As I moved slower I found it, miraculously, where I had left it Christmas day when I came in from our travels. But of course I couldn’t let that relief stand because now I had to find my Kindle. I made myself go to bed, and counted in my head breathing deeply until that thought went away.

I am trying to remember that people don’t know what is happening in my head therefore it is not fair of me to expect them to react to me any differently than they have in the past. It is hard to remember that and be patient with them. I know I may fail at this on occasion.

I got my anti-psychotic drug last night ( finally) and was to afraid to take it. I will start this weekend when I can recover from it better. Which reminds me I have to go home and get it before I leave town for the weekend. Thank you blogging for reminding me.

I have been obsessing about something that is 6 months away. My grandparents will be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and someone I really don’t like will be attending. I keep rocketing between images of my being graceful and ignoring the boiling rage I feel toward this person, calling him and blasting him and threatening him within an inch of his life that if he ruins this day for my Grandparents I will hurt him, or doing that to his face. It’s stressing me out slightly.

I cried like a baby last night watching television, it was whack.

I am cold ( that has nothing to do with anything)

I am hungry ( that is surprising since I have no appetite on these meds)

I am signing off now. Thanks for listening, I feel slightly better.

Survey says…..

Yesterday was the big day, and I will tell you I worked myself up pretty good about going to face the dreaded psychiatrist. It didn’t help that my neck of the woods is in the middle of a bitter cold snap and the appointment was about 40 minutes away and I had to drive on the highway in snowing, blowing BS to get there. But I did it. I got there, sat in the beautiful lobby and waited, and waited, because why wouldn’t he be running behind.

He came out, called my name and my knuckles had turned white from gripping my purse handle for 20 minutes. He led me to his warm office and I sat down just quaking. He asked a lot of questions, some things I would never have thought to ask and after about 45 minutes of that he told me that I am bipolar. Bipolar II to be precise, and that the voice in my head was not a concern because he thinks its a reflection of my inner life being poor and terrible.

Swallowing the words bipolar II was not as hard as I thought it would be, I now have a face with the name and can plan an attack. Reading up on this diagnoses was interesting, like reading a summary of my life. The sad part is that I didn’t know the symptoms, and the only reason most people with Bipolar are diagnosed is that they get so depressed something happens forcing them to seek help finally. Most people with this disorder can go years in this cycle of extreme highs and lows and not know that it is not normal. They push people away and never realize they are doing it. Its a viscous cycle that doesn’t end on its own.

But now I have a place to start and I hope that I can continue to chronicle it here. If you are struggling with depression, don’t wait to seek help, you really aren’t alone, there is a world of us out there that get it and get you.