change

Update

I committed in my mind (and on this blog) to try to write everyday of this diet, then I got sick, crazy sick for about a month, and just recently have I started to feel better. In that month of sickness I did not progress very much in our VLC diet, but I did make progress and some discoveries.

  1. I have now lost about 26 lbs. Considering its been about 8 weeks that seems pretty good. and since I had no expectations for myself I am happy with the lose
  2. I am recognizing my true emotional dependence on food and drinks. Now I am not a drinker but there have been times in the last 2 months that I would love a Grey Goose and Tonic with limes. To go with my giant plate of pasta, garlic bread, pizza, chocolate cake and oh wait, I can’t have any of that right now.
  3. Jacob is doing fantastic. He’s lost 65 lbs, and is almost under 400 lbs, which he hasn’t been since before we got married 11 1/2 years ago.
  4. This has nothing to do with the diet. But I am in a pretty good place emotionally. It started before the diet and has just  continued. I can’t say specifically what it is, but I just feel better. And if you’ve suffered from chronic depression, you know how good the days in the sun can feel. I’ve gone off one of my meds, and I am only seeing my therapist about once a month.

So those are some of the discoveries I have found in the last 2 months. I can tell you I am excited to start on real food in 4 weeks, and I am looking forward to the challenge of cooking for my family in the ways we are being taught. I am so grateful that Jacob and I are doing this together, because its the only way it could work.

There you have it, my most recent update. Hoping to be able to do it a little more now that I am not sick as a dog. Take care of yourselves this weekend.

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Me vs. The Hulk

Yesterday I had therapy, my first session since the “diagnose” and the conversation was mostly about my meeting with the psychiatrist. Basically no matter what the diagnoses, the treatment plan is approx. the same. So I am on the right treatment street, but maybe not the right diagnoses street, at least that’s what my therapist thinks. For now I am going to identify my disorder as Bipolar until such time as someone more qualified then me changes it. That being said, I have decided to track my “cycles” in a journal and see if I go through dips and peaks. I know I go through dips, but the peaks, not so sure.

We also talked about buttons, as in you are pushing my buttons. Something we talked about was identifying my buttons and learning how to extinguish the inflammatory thoughts before I go all Hulk on someone and cannot be reasoned with. Believe me this happens, especially to my sweet poor husband. But anyways…. so we started talking about buttons and it seems my biggest one is being misunderstood. This is actually kind of a broad button as it could mean many things. It could mean being disrespected, or it could be persecuted. But knowing that I am sensitive to this I am going to try to remember that I am Bruce Banner, mild mannered and brilliant 🙂 and that I need to stay calm in order to stay sane. People who have never seen me go crazy doubt my ability but believe me my past is littered with the bodies of my raging and rampaging. I hard core hold grudges and the mere memory of the things that have “wronged” me can set me off. (deep breath, in out) okay, calming down.

I wonder what other peoples buttons are and how many times a day I hit them. Or for that matter how many times a day I misunderstand someone else. In this world of digital communication it is easy to read into email and text, creating tone or attitude, and simply remembering that this are typed words is difficult since this form of communication is now the norm. Having a face to face conversation or a phone call or even writing a letter are fewer and farther between. You know I am right, since we now have baby boomers (aka my parents) texting me on the regular. I love it, but I digress.

So my challenge for any readers out there is this, when you find yourself getting ticked off or irritated in the coming days, take a breath and try to figure out why you are upset. Are you really being disrespected or hurt or could the person you are dealing with just be a jerk? Or maybe they are having a bad day? I think I am going to benefit from taking a beat before I turn into the big green monster, I surely know my husband will.

Tough

Trying to be calm and focused when you are scattered is like climbing a mountain with no experience. I am trying to remember that I work with all men who have no comprehension of my mental state, no desire to understand it really, and I am good with that. But I take things very personally, especially when something goes wrong. I feel like the years of taking the blame for things, shouldering guilt that I placed on myself has caused me to flinch each time something goes wrong. I am quick to apologize, quick to take the responsibility as to shield those I work with but man do I need to stop doing that. It’s not my job to protect grown men from their bosses. This is a tough lesson to learn.

I keep repeating to myself, you are not responsible for everything. The world still turns without you. Sometime I even chant the Serenity prayer under my breath in an effort to calm and soothe. Either way this is a tough one for me and I have probably over used that word in this post, but get over it, that’s exactly what this is. Each small step is a step in the right direction, its just harder than I thought it would be to side step the land mines of my past.

Good luck with your landmines.

Changing

In an effort to keep my momentum I have decided to start my own little business/ second job, selling delicious products to busy people in the world. I won’t use this as a pimping site but it’s a product I am excited about.

 It’s weird to find a thing that can put excitement back into your day. And funny to be having dreams about real stress, instead of the made up, over thinking, medication driven delusions.  It’s really nice to be worried about what I will wear to my first party instead of all the other things I worry about.

 Anyways, anticipation is a good thing. Excitement is a great thing and as I continue to move forward I know I am making the right moves.

 On another note, my therapist has asked my hubby to join us for my next session. And as much as I have been honest and open with him about my sessions I am nervous for these two men to meet. The most important person in my life, my Hubby, and the most important un-biased voice in my life, my therapist. Will they like each other? Not that it matters but for some reason I have thought about it. I am also worried about what will come out in the pale soothing room where I bare my soul. It’s a good step, because our communication sucks, but I am still apprehensive about it.

 So a lots happening in my world right now, a lots changing, and I am hoping to continue improving.

 Here’s to you and my wish for you that you are on the path to betterment, to greatness and peace.

drastic is my new middle name

I have been fighting this need to do something drastic all week. It started on Sunday, and it’s a growing feeling in my gut. I am bouncing around from ideas of new tattoos to picking up and moving to Alaska. I feel this deep need for a change right now, and I don’t think it will be satisfied by dyeing my hair a crazy color, which is my usual form of drastic.

My therapist thinks I am looking for a drastic change because I am running from something, hiding from something I don’t want to face. Well that is for damn sure, but recognizing that and actually knowing what I fear does not take away this nagging feeling. I want to do something crazy, something that no one expects, and something that isn’t really logical but might be a whole hell of a lot of fun. I think I want an adventure.

Poor Jacob, when I told him about this feeling he thought I was joking, he thought adventure = trip to a major city other than our own, or doing something to my hair, maybe the tattoo, which he doesn’t like but would support. So I said, nope, let’s move to Alaska. He just smiled at me, said no. So I started on my usual annoying habit of asking for a new pet. See we have 2 dogs, but I like to ask for things like a cat, a ferret, a rabbit, another dog, I know he will say no, but I like to think of their little furry faces and I can’t help it. I want more.

The truth is I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I know, the grown ups lament. No one wants to pay bills, fix the leaking faucet, and pull the weeds. And I am sure my Mom will smile when she sees what I am about to type next but. I have been working for 15 years, half of my life, and I don’t want to put my paycheck in the hands of the grocery store, the mortgage company or anyone else anymore. I would love to just say go BLOW to my mortgage company, move into a little rental house and let the landlord worry about the damn faucet. I want to go shopping for shoes I don’t need, buy a coat to wear to fancy dinners that I hardly ever go to. I want to get on a plane with my husband and go sit on a beach for a week and not feel bad about every dime I spend. But I am not 20 anymore, I have never been nor will I ever be rich. What I am is a hard-working middle-lower class woman, who makes enough to pay the bills and have some fun with her friends and family. And no drastic measure on my part be it a new tattoo or an abrupt move into a tiny house on 5 acres will change what is, the only one who can change things is me and mine.

Time to make a plan, time to work that plan like a second job. Maybe the drastic change I seek is within myself?