To all the would-be Mothers, wish you could Mothers, wish God would Mothers. To all the brave faced ladies, tear-streaked face ladies, and smile with grace ladies. To all the someday women, have faith women, in another time or place women. To the almost was, the lost before but still loved, taken to soon and to young. To all the body betrayed, heart dismayed, try another day and another way women. To the thanks for the advice, remember they are trying to be nice, but it cuts you like a knife ladies. To those who shine it on, pretend nothing is wrong, but cry when you are gone souls. To those who support them, hold them, cry with them, and feel their loss with them. You are not alone, not abandoned, not broken. To the scores of women who survive another day, who face the world come what may, and continue to learn lessons along the way. So today my dear ones, this is my timid salute, to the childless Mothers and all you go through, because you are worthy, lovely and strong, and you know better than anyone that life does go on.
I keep returning to this page hoping to be able to tell a different story. I wish I could say that the past few months have been good but that would be a lie. I continue to see a psychiatrist to monitor and adjust my meds, I see my therapist to help with tools and release, but I am not much better than I was. The cautious optimism I mentioned previously was warranted as my body quickly adjusted to the new meds and my lack of proper chemicals flipped the middle finger at my attempts and continued to pull at my heels trying to drag me back to the dark. I can honestly say I have no real short term memory right now so I feel completely disconnected from those I love. Not sure if this was a conscience choice or a situational response to the way I am feeling. I keep pushing forward, making plans and trying to keep them. We are going on our annual Memorial Day camping trip tonight and I am repeating the phrase “this will be fun” in my head trying to get in the right mind space. I will try to smile and enjoy my time but I fear Sunday when my world snaps back into reality and I have to start dealing again.
I truly didn’t want to come back here and write about this. I was hoping to be able to come back and write funny posts about the great things that are happening in my life. Don’t get me wrong, nothing tragic is currently happening, and I think that is what is so frustrating about having chronic depression, you know that objectivly your life is good, food on the table, roof over your head, money in your pocket, supportive family and friends. It sounds so good, on paper and out loud, but my brain doesn’t precieve joy and contentment the way other peoples brains do. Its hard to know you have been betrayed by your body in more ways then one. It is not just aging that robs you of things, mental health, infertility, all of these things should be a given. I should be a “normal” woman, with the ability to have babies, to smile at wonderful things and to lay my head on my pillow at night and only worry about tomorrow, or whatever it is normal people worry about. My body has betrayed me, and I am trying to take care, to work with what I have but damn it I am tired. I bet you are too my dear readers, tired of always reading the debby downer stuff I post.
I think my goal has been to offer support to others out there who are going through something similar. To hopefully have one person read this and know they can get help and be happier. I wish that for others and myself.
Maybe I will stick to some fictional posts for awhile, a little poetry or short story to break it up a little. Or maybe I will just avoid writing again for awhile.
We shall see.
Sisyphus was a Greek god, known for the story of the punishment inflicted upon him; he must push a rock up a hill only to have it roll down again for eternity. No satisfaction to be had for the labor or gratification of success because success was unattainable. It is a common reference to the everyday struggles that people face. In fact I have been thinking of this story for a while and how it really is applicable to life and everything we face daily and several of my favorite bloggers have recently referred to him by name so I thought I would satisfy this need in me to talk about my continued struggle to push that rock up the hill.
I feel like I have worked really hard emotionally for the last few months. The last 2 weeks have been a true test of will power and I think it says a lot that while I have struggled and cried I did not sink, I did not allow the dark to over take me as I have in the past. I hate to say it but I want some recognition for this fact. The hard road still lies ahead but now it seems lit by possibility. I know it’s kind of corny to say it that way but there is this world that is opening to me where I determine my course and when I am blown off track I can roll with it instead of freaking out on my husband or my family and friends. Not that I don’t have my freak outs, please I am still me at the core and freaking out is one of my specialties but I find that I am able to get better control now but just stopping and realizing that I don’t make the world spin.
I still have some tough decisions ahead; I still have some hard conversations that need to happen. I still have some struggles and don’t expect that I will ever have a day without some struggle. But I am confident now that if I continue my medication, continue my therapy, and continue to be open and honest with the world about what is going on with me that I will be able to look back in a few years and cheer. I am so looking forward to popping that champagne bottle and celebrating sanity and accepting my frailty. I can’t wait for the day when I can see it more clearly from the distance.
It’s Monday. I am so tired, and a bit draggy today.
Had a great weekend, spent some time with my nephew, spent some time with my sister and brolo and my hubby. Cuddled with my dogs. Cleaned my house and started my laundry. I found that I didn’t have to plan every moment of my weekend, which was nice. And not like me at all. I am an over planner, which I think I have coped to in earlier posts.
This week we will celebrate the 4th of July, with lots of food, friends, family and fireworks. I don’t care about the fireworks part so much. But the rest sounds appealing. Even more appealing is the fact that Thursday afternoon I am leaving technology behind to go camp for 4 days. And its rustic camping, we do it once a year as a family. We eat, sing, have big fires, explore the woods, and this year we are going to search for a lake or water source near our camping site. I am hopefully this tired sleep feeling will have adjusted by Thursday. If not I see a lot of coffee and diet coke in my future.
I can’t wait for the day when I am not just getting by. When I will get up in the morning and feel purpose again. It’s kind of aggravating and exciting to know that in just 12 short days I will be feeling normal again and can deal with the BS I have been pushing down and to the side for the last, god knows how long. I went and hung out with my friends last night, which was a blast. Played some bean bag toss, corn hole, whatever you want to call it. I was glad I went, happy to see them and to laugh and smile and watch my niece run around the back yard. But stupidly in the middle of watching a game I looked at my email on my phone and I had made a mistake on someone’s payroll check. For some reason that sent my mind reeling, it wasn’t a big deal, the logical brain knew that, I could fix it today, which is actually pay day. But I started to obsess about it. Fretting and worrying. What can I do from my lawn chair in the back yard of my BF house? Nothing, so I got up and played some corn hole. Thank god I have a short attention span. Day 2 of meds is no better than yesterday, not complaining just chronicling. I still feel really sleepy and slow, but I think I am supposed to feel like that. I have a weekend at home this week, first one in over a month so that’s nice I can catch up on my house work and relax a bit. Next weeks a busy one, and hopefully I will deal with the self induced “stress”, I know I will, it’s kind of what I do. Looking forward to sitting around a fire with all my crew and singing and relaxing. That is the true challenge for me, the relaxing part, I don’t do it well.