I have been fighting this need to do something drastic all week. It started on Sunday, and it’s a growing feeling in my gut. I am bouncing around from ideas of new tattoos to picking up and moving to Alaska. I feel this deep need for a change right now, and I don’t think it will be satisfied by dyeing my hair a crazy color, which is my usual form of drastic.
My therapist thinks I am looking for a drastic change because I am running from something, hiding from something I don’t want to face. Well that is for damn sure, but recognizing that and actually knowing what I fear does not take away this nagging feeling. I want to do something crazy, something that no one expects, and something that isn’t really logical but might be a whole hell of a lot of fun. I think I want an adventure.
Poor Jacob, when I told him about this feeling he thought I was joking, he thought adventure = trip to a major city other than our own, or doing something to my hair, maybe the tattoo, which he doesn’t like but would support. So I said, nope, let’s move to Alaska. He just smiled at me, said no. So I started on my usual annoying habit of asking for a new pet. See we have 2 dogs, but I like to ask for things like a cat, a ferret, a rabbit, another dog, I know he will say no, but I like to think of their little furry faces and I can’t help it. I want more.
The truth is I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I know, the grown ups lament. No one wants to pay bills, fix the leaking faucet, and pull the weeds. And I am sure my Mom will smile when she sees what I am about to type next but. I have been working for 15 years, half of my life, and I don’t want to put my paycheck in the hands of the grocery store, the mortgage company or anyone else anymore. I would love to just say go BLOW to my mortgage company, move into a little rental house and let the landlord worry about the damn faucet. I want to go shopping for shoes I don’t need, buy a coat to wear to fancy dinners that I hardly ever go to. I want to get on a plane with my husband and go sit on a beach for a week and not feel bad about every dime I spend. But I am not 20 anymore, I have never been nor will I ever be rich. What I am is a hard-working middle-lower class woman, who makes enough to pay the bills and have some fun with her friends and family. And no drastic measure on my part be it a new tattoo or an abrupt move into a tiny house on 5 acres will change what is, the only one who can change things is me and mine.
Time to make a plan, time to work that plan like a second job. Maybe the drastic change I seek is within myself?