grief

The last month or so….

I haven’t been able to write about this, but for some reason today seems like a good day. A little over a month ago my Grandmother passed after four years living with dementia. Truly her battle was between her will and her the strength of her body. I hadn’t seen her in 3 years, mainly because I couldn’t handle her not recognizing me. My beautiful Aunt went regularly, and made sure that Grandma was well taken care of in the home she was in. She fought for her fair treatment and brought her treats and reminders of things she loved in her life. Thankfully the passing was painless, physically, but mentally for our family it was a toss up between relief and sorrow.

I would have sworn up until I touched her lapel in her casket that she wouldn’t die, she simply couldn’t because she was the strongest most stubborn women I have ever known. We butt heads constantly but mainly because I too am stubborn and strong headed. As we walked into the viewing room, I turned into my husband chest and wailed that it wasn’t her, couldn’t be her, she was too strong for this. And I was scared, that she wouldn’t look like her.But she did, and she was beautiful and serene.

In an effort to give myself peace I spoke at the funeral, I sang too. Not looking at my Dad because I couldn’t get through the song and speech if I focused on his tears. It was gut wrenching, and beautiful and hard to do. But I am glad I did it. I am glad that I put pen to paper and expressed myself. As I get to do here whenever I see fit.

The weekend after the funeral, my sister, her husband and my niece, and my hubby all went up north to Grandma and Puppa’s cottage, and I swear I was enveloped in memories. I spent much of our time up there thinking about what they had given us, the legacy that they had handed down that we would in turn pass to the next generation. There is no price, weight or measure that could explain it. They gave us this gift of peace, love, fun, wind, trees, and walks down memory lanes that I can never thank them for.

But I can write it here, ink it, and know that I have put it out into the universe.

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Gonna miss you

I don’t grieve very well, never have. I can handle death, I cry for a moment (or 5) and then I toughen up for my friends and family. I inevitably will cry at the funeral or visitation but only when prompted  by others emotions. But this post isn’t about death, it’s about lose in general and the things I don’t process very well.

So today I am saying goodbye to someone who has become a nice bright light while I have struggled these last months. I have known her for a little over a year and she is a constant source of support and positive energy when I choose to surround myself in dark and negative. She is constantly trying to lift me up and for some reason I have never resented her efforts in the ways that I have resented others. She is simply amazing and has met the love of her life and they are moving away. And the logical person in me says that this changes nothing but the physical distance between us but in reality I am grieving the lose of this light.

Her Man is also amazing and someone I wish that I could have gotten to know better as well. I hope I will as we move through our lives And despite that wish, I love him for the joy he has brought to her life, and I love to see a young love grow between two people who are so well suited to each other, who compliment each other so well that they seem to be one. But back to the grief in this move. It is purely selfish that I wish she wouldn’t go, because she helped me to see a person I could be, with the correct choices and paths. I will still become this person, I have been on that journey far longer than we have known each other.

I guess ultimately what I am trying to say is that I am happy that her life is moving her in a positive direction, I will miss her, and I am unsure how to process it. Because it is real grief to lose someone with whom you have connected. I could not imagine doing this with anymore of my friends. I wish her and her Man the best of luck in this next stage in their life together and I can only hope that this will not be the last time I can hug my friends and share a drink with them.

 

I continue my slog through this thick ass depression and fight with faking the funk as much as I possibly can. The results are mental exhaustion at the end of the day, and short tempers in bursts the rest of the time. I find it hard to believe that people are moving through their lives like mine isn’t moving at a snails pace, but when I have my brief moments of clarity I realize that the world of course keeps turning without my help.

Do I feel better? Yes.

Am I better? No, no I am not. I am facing some pretty harsh realities about my life while dealing with this and it is not fun, it makes the bitter taste in my mouth even worse. But my hope when I reach the end of this current wave I am riding I will have a bit more clarity and I will be better equipped for the next wave, which will come. It’s the way I handle it that will be the difference for me.

Just a shout out to all of you out there struggling with your own darkness, don’t give up. Only the strong survive, and we are among those elite. Keep moving forward, baby steps and all, because you are worth it. I know it.

Nightmares

As I look in the mirror I think, just one more minute. In one minute I will open the door and he will be standing there waiting for a response. I turn on the taps, to buy myself 30 more seconds. It’s futile, he taps on the door. With a sigh, I turn off the water, touch my fingers to my lips and breathe deeply. Time to give him the bad news, the news he has heard before, but its repetition doesn’t make the cut any less deep.

 

I open the door, shake my head no, and try to push past him.
“Wait.” He says, making a grab for my wrist.

I shake him off and turn into our bedroom, where the over head light is to harsh against the darkness before the dawn.

“What?” I whisper more then speak. I know he will want to comfort me, and I want him to. But what I want more is to not cry, I am so sick of crying. I turn from him to look into the closet, trying to perform the next task, the next thing on my list.

He steps up behind me and wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me flush against him. I know he is sad, but his strength is too much, to wonderfully awful and my resolve breaks. I turn into his arms, and he whispers “we won’t stop trying” I shake my head into his chest, and even as I make the back and forth motion of no, I know we will try again, because there is nothing more addictive then trying to fulfill your dream and knowing you are living your worst nightmare.

The By-Product of my past

In an effort to let go of a hurt I am going to write and post the following. This is a hurt I have been carrying for several years now, and it is doing damage to my soul. I am writing this to let it go, to let you go, and to move on truly with my whole heart.

I thought I was your family, but I have since found that I was not. I was nothing to you but the by-product of a relationship, the daughter of your friend. Just because my Mom felt deeply for your children, did not mean you had to reciprocate. I mean, I thought, for a long time that you did. But the truth is when things got tough, when my Mom wouldn’t bend and compromise her values you tossed us all aside like garbage. You missed major events in our lives. And when we were the bigger people and tried to mend the gap, you kept up the pretense for a while, because it made you look better. It made it so you wouldn’t have to answer tough questions about our absence. It’s funny because the world also thought you cared for us.

I miss the woman I thought you were, but only because of my fond memories of her. I am angry because I think it was all a lie. And you were such a major fixture in my childhood; you have made me question everything I know about you. I am angry at you for hurting my Mom, for hurting my family. But I am done crying about you and your absence.

I just don’t want to give you that much power anymore. You are kind of sad, and I feel sorry for you, because you have missed out on spending time with us. And we are pretty damn awesome. We’ve become these strong women, with opinions and ideas and our capacity for love is boundless. You’ve tossed that aside so you don’t have to be “alone”. The truth is if you had opened your eyes, you would have seen that you were never alone. We would not have left you ever. But that is because I think ultimately we know the true meaning of family. It’s not about blood, or names, it’s about caring enough about a person to look them in the eyes and say I love you, mean it, and stand by them through everything.

You will never see my kids, or my Mom become a great-grandmother, you have missed weddings, and will miss graduations and showers and birthday parties. And you won’t be missed. I am letting you go, I am letting my anger go. I am going to try not to think about you, worry about you, or worry about running into you. If that happens, or you do intrude on my thoughts, I will try to smile and say hello. Then tuck the memories away, because you have no place in my world. You are the by-product now, of a life that I have left behind.