hope

Wedded Bliss

I celebrated my 10 year wedding anniversary last week and Sunday we threw a little brunch for our framily and immediate family. We also renewed our vows. Re-committed to our relationship and I feel like we truly started a new chapter. It’s been a rough few years, my constant fight with depression has/had left me with the feeling like I wasn’t worthy and that my poor husband deserved to be happy without the burden of me and my mental illness. But here’s the reality folks, we all deserve love. We all deserve support and encouragement and that is exactly what my husband gives to me. Not always in the right way, but damn it he tries really hard to make me happy and to make me smile. When I am having a bad day he does everything he can to make it easier. He is my peace in the storm.

I am only saying this so that some of you out there, who feel unworthy, ugly, dark and lonely and undeserving, please know that the people around you love you. And as much as we push them away they want to support us. Teach them how, or at the least communicate to them what you are going through. You will be surprised who is still standing around you when the smoke clears and you see the sunlight again.

 

Keep the faith, I believe in you!

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Changing

In an effort to keep my momentum I have decided to start my own little business/ second job, selling delicious products to busy people in the world. I won’t use this as a pimping site but it’s a product I am excited about.

 It’s weird to find a thing that can put excitement back into your day. And funny to be having dreams about real stress, instead of the made up, over thinking, medication driven delusions.  It’s really nice to be worried about what I will wear to my first party instead of all the other things I worry about.

 Anyways, anticipation is a good thing. Excitement is a great thing and as I continue to move forward I know I am making the right moves.

 On another note, my therapist has asked my hubby to join us for my next session. And as much as I have been honest and open with him about my sessions I am nervous for these two men to meet. The most important person in my life, my Hubby, and the most important un-biased voice in my life, my therapist. Will they like each other? Not that it matters but for some reason I have thought about it. I am also worried about what will come out in the pale soothing room where I bare my soul. It’s a good step, because our communication sucks, but I am still apprehensive about it.

 So a lots happening in my world right now, a lots changing, and I am hoping to continue improving.

 Here’s to you and my wish for you that you are on the path to betterment, to greatness and peace.

Hope is a four letter word

Once again as my depression ebbs I find it harder to put words onto the page. When I am “wallowing” in it I feel eloquent and burdened so my words seem to spring to life. But when I feel better I tend to write posts that I don’t post, but delete.

 Even now as I sit here typing, with my morning cup of coffee cooling in front of my chest I think about highlighting these words and hitting delete, but no matter how terrible and pointless this post may be I am going to force myself to hit publish.

 I feel the world turning around me, and my eyes are once again bright with hope. Hope is the word I think I seek most right now; I want to hope for more. I want to hope for peace and quiet and laughter and spontaneity. And for some reason when I get those things, those precious things, I start to question my worth in having them. My Mom, my biggest supporter on this site, will surely tell me that I am worth all things and more. I love you Momma, but it doesn’t change the interior monologue that we wage within ourselves.

 Another big supporter would also tell me I am worthy, and I love you all for that support and in reality it is your words that drive me to seek all good things, because when we are in the dark we don’t want things for ourselves.

 So not deleting, going to publish this random post and hope for a better one later today, or Monday. I did say Hope folks……

Dark vs Light

Small back slide. I feel worn out today; I know I pushed too much. Last night I went out with my wonderful sister had some dinner, a beer and then we went to our mutual stylist to get our hair done. I went for color and she went and got her hair chopped, super cute.

My hair looks great but normally when I leave the salon I feel rejuvenated, and I felt sad and a little intimidated. Not really something I have ever felt before. I look good; I mean it’s nothing to do with the trim and the gorgeous red that was chosen for me. I can rock a red, and I usually have a pretty edgy hair cut, but since I have been wallowing in this most recent bout I have avoided the salon like the plague. And one of the things I did while I was avoiding, was I started to grow my ultra short hair out.  It was past my chin, and she only trimmed it to make it grow evenly but as I saw the small cuts, I felt like I was losing my armor. I was looking for something in the salon chair and it didn’t meet my expectation, or “tickle my reward center” as my therapist would say. It tells me that even though I am definitely out of the worst of this, I am not out of it entirely.

I think one of the worst things about chronic depression is that you are aware that at anytime the chemicals in your brain can fail you and you can start slipping. One of the benefits of this knowledge is that now I know that so I can better handle it when I do slip and slide. It’s really easy to get caught up in the “damn, it’s happening again” but now I know that it will come to an end and that there are some things I can do to speed up the process, like making myself be around people. As hard as that is sometimes, but the end result, days, weeks or months down the road is I do get to step back into the light.

I know I spend a lot of time here referring to depression as darkness, black or bleak, and the reprieve from it is usually referred to as the light. Philosophical, spiritual, it’s none of those things that I speak from; it’s truly how I see this thing. I see people who don’t suffer from depression and the thing that shines from their eyes is the light. I also know many people who suffer with varying degrees of mental illness, and through the smile and effort sometimes you can see the dark, and the effort it is taking them to breathe. I guess my point today of this random statement is, for those of you that read that know nothing about this, please be aware that no one can know your struggles and someone you speak with daily may be fighting the never-ending internal battle for peace. For my friends, family and readers that know what its like to live in the dark and walk briefly in the light, the light is coming, it will find you, don’t give up, you know that this too shall pass.

“But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you. With all my heart. I love you. -Valerie” V for Vendetta 2005 Warner Bros.

Turned the corner

I have officially turned the corner. I have showered for several days in a row, made the effort to arise more than 10 minutes before I have to leave the house and have also laughed a lot lately. That being said the biggest change is I am starting to care again what I look like, as in I made an appointment at the hair salon and started to journal what I am eating to get a better grip on the weight I gained during this last bout of depression. We are talking a major weight gain, as in 20+ lbs in the few months I was struggling. But the good news is that it matters to me again so I am off and trotting. I won’t say running because lets be realistic, I don’t run, not yet anyways.

Here’s the light shining down on my face, from the end of this most recent tunnel.

Embarrassing admittance for this week

I took a shower yesterday before work.

I realize this doesn’t sound amazing, but it actually is, because as gross and embarrassing it is to admit that is the first sign for me that I am slipping into a depression, I stop showering. I will go days without even looking in the mirror which I have admitted on here before but I think the only person who really knows this is my dear husband. I am sure there are plenty of people who suspect I am filthy who either work with me or see me walking through the store. But here’s the thing if I shower then I will inevitably look in the mirror and that is something I just refuse to do when I am depressed. Because it a) makes me feel worse b) I hate what I see there c) come on if I look in the mirror I will see the truth and that is the last damn thing I want to see when I am wallowing in it.

So here’s how I know I am getting better, yesterday I took a shower before I went to work. Today, I wore something other then a sweatshirt into the office, and I even cleaned up my eyebrows. These don’t seem momentous but for me it is the light glinting at the end of this tunnel, and I am hopeful to be walking in the sun again soon.

and the saga continues…

It has been a weird couple weeks. 

I have applied for like 10 waitressing jobs, gotta make that paper! I haven’t heard back on a single one, and I am an AWESOME server. I think I will be sending cover letters with my resumes to let people know about my background in the food and beverage industry. A second job would be super helpful for bills and the impending arrival of Christmas which happens to be one of my favorite times of year. There’s something about giving gifts that I LOVE!! Not to mention the whole family fun and frivolity that happens between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I think I may have mentioned this, maybe not, but my niece is living with us. So I am trying to figure out how to be an aunt/guardian and warden/supervisor. Something I have never done before. But I am super excited because tonight we are putting together her birthday present and I have put a lot of thought and time into it. I think she will love it, but I will let the blogosphere know Monday what the reaction was. It will probably be typical teenager, “oh, that’s cool” and none of the excitement we feel when we are super young and once we start getting older. Why is someone else’s joy so rewarding? It is the never answered question; I mean there are plenty of theories on the subject but none that I accept as gospel. I know that it could be a sense of fulfillment to make someone else happy, or the fact that you’ve done a good deed and can pat yourself on the back. Whatever! I just like to give gifts and I LOVE it when people are surprised by them. 

I am still trying to figure out how to balance my time, and I think I am getting better at not making promises I cannot keep. I am trying to be present in every moment with my family and friends. I know that I am not 100% successful yet, but who is 100% engaged at all times. You would be exhausted and a liar if you said you were and we don’t tolerate liars here. Just kidding, I don’t care, especially since you’d just be lying to yourself and I don’t know you personally so you can’t offend me yet.

 Why do I feel the need to apologize to my readers when I write random posts like this? I mean no one is making you read my posts, and if someone is holding a gun to your head to do it please send me a cryptic comment and I will try to get some help to you. Or you know just keep reading and making me feel like I am a full functional and contributing member to this crazy world. I have typed Sorry at least 3 times in the last 5 minutes. I wonder if I will ever not apologize for being me. Why do I think I am so offensive to the world? I am pretty amazing, at least if my parents and friends can be believed, and I can honestly tell you that they are good trustworthy people, who have not knowingly lied to me ever, so I guess I should believe them. My therapist says that I don’t have a good self-image that is so true, trying to figure out how to change that. It’s not as easy as you think it is. I am all about instant gratification, and this process of therapy is rewarding but moves at a snail’s pace. I just want to be done, and be better and love me and be all happy and giggly all the time, and able to handle the stresses that come my way with a shrug and a “oh well” attitude. I will keep working on that, first things first though, gotta start loving me and liking what I see when I look in the mirror. Continuing on….