Thoughts for a Tuesday

It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to write or even had the time to write. I need to make the time I know. Today is a strange day. Today is the anniversary of the death of my Uncle John. A wonderful, funny, caring, family man who was taken way to early by a horrific disease. Today upon waking up I was struck by thoughts of my family, cousins/his children, and Aunt(his wife) and his siblings my Auntie and my Dad. I struggle with the right words to express my feelings this morning. Sadness yes, depressed (usually), but I am trying to remember the good stuff. I know I will get there.

Additionally I am exhausted. I’ve spent the last 8 months working 2 jobs, but the second job is in service of my future. I am apprenticing to become a cosmetologist. Simply stated I go to an actual salon 3-4 days a week instead of to school and I learn hands on. It takes longer than cos. school but it’s less expensive and I learn better by getting in and doing it. It’s been fun to find a creative outlet that expands my mind and could make me some money ūüôā

My depression and anxiety is mostly under control, although the last few days have been rough, which is probably why I am pulled to write today. I really need to find my balance again, and I am afraid it will take some difficult decisions to get it. But I can kick that can down the road a little longer.

The next 8 weeks will be insane. Between birthdays, holidays and an upcoming wedding, I’ll be busier than normal. But we will get through.

Thanks for reading….

Once again, with feeling

I know when I restarted this I thought it would follow my emotional journey as I sought to become better mentally. I think it’s done that, but I thought at some point it would be come funny and witty like The Pioneer Woman or The Redneck Mommy. It’s not that, and I shouldn’t compare myself to other bloggers. I just wanted to re-read this someday and giggle at my cleverness or smirk at my silliness. The truth is I am a girl with deep problems that I am learning to deal with and writing about my struggles has helped me. It gets the venom out, into a world that is not harmed by my words, and my hope is my few readers know that my rantings are in no way reflections of my feelings towards them. I speak in abstracts often so I don’t think anyone is offended, but I truly hope people aren’t bored¬†either. My intention is to entertain slightly,¬†and to¬†give insight, support or hope to others who struggle with depression, anxiety and insecurities.¬† I hope those of you who read me with any regularity know that I don’t wish to sound repetitive if I say I am having a bad day, I am going to have lots of those. I know I use the words struggle, and weak and choices a lot. But that is part of my life right now, struggling to overcome feeling weak in the choices I make. I wish to be decisive and strong, but I don’t see myself as such.

In the coming weeks I will speak vaguely about a new addition to my family and our struggles to do what is right for all involved. I will not give details, but just know that the next several posts will be about this changing dynamic in my life and how I must for the first time in a long time make tough choices and stick to them come what may. I will falter and fail I am sure, but hope when all this turmoil is over I am stronger and more capable on the other side.

Please stick with me, I hope to write with insight over the next few weeks and hope to receive insight and inspiration from people who read my posts.

Thanks again for listening to my rants, I truly appreciate ever view.

Livin my life likes its golden…

Inspired by hitting the bottom and realizing that I am in control of my life I am going to start approaching things as if I have a vested interest in the outcome. My life is not a spectator sport, not to throw too many cliches’ at it, but its true. I need to get in the game and get involved.¬†

I am going to shoot for a more upbeat and professional appearance¬†at work. Spend my time wisely with family and friends. Try really hard to show Jacob how much I love him. Take care of our home. Yeah, I’m inspired, livin¬†my life likes its golden, thank you Jill Scott. Your song is my current mantra.