It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to write or even had the time to write. I need to make the time I know. Today is a strange day. Today is the anniversary of the death of my Uncle John. A wonderful, funny, caring, family man who was taken way to early by a horrific disease. Today upon waking up I was struck by thoughts of my family, cousins/his children, and Aunt(his wife) and his siblings my Auntie and my Dad. I struggle with the right words to express my feelings this morning. Sadness yes, depressed (usually), but I am trying to remember the good stuff. I know I will get there.
Additionally I am exhausted. I’ve spent the last 8 months working 2 jobs, but the second job is in service of my future. I am apprenticing to become a cosmetologist. Simply stated I go to an actual salon 3-4 days a week instead of to school and I learn hands on. It takes longer than cos. school but it’s less expensive and I learn better by getting in and doing it. It’s been fun to find a creative outlet that expands my mind and could make me some money 🙂
My depression and anxiety is mostly under control, although the last few days have been rough, which is probably why I am pulled to write today. I really need to find my balance again, and I am afraid it will take some difficult decisions to get it. But I can kick that can down the road a little longer.
The next 8 weeks will be insane. Between birthdays, holidays and an upcoming wedding, I’ll be busier than normal. But we will get through.
Thanks for reading….
I know when I restarted this I thought it would follow my emotional journey as I sought to become better mentally. I think it’s done that, but I thought at some point it would be come funny and witty like The Pioneer Woman or The Redneck Mommy. It’s not that, and I shouldn’t compare myself to other bloggers. I just wanted to re-read this someday and giggle at my cleverness or smirk at my silliness. The truth is I am a girl with deep problems that I am learning to deal with and writing about my struggles has helped me. It gets the venom out, into a world that is not harmed by my words, and my hope is my few readers know that my rantings are in no way reflections of my feelings towards them. I speak in abstracts often so I don’t think anyone is offended, but I truly hope people aren’t bored either. My intention is to entertain slightly, and to give insight, support or hope to others who struggle with depression, anxiety and insecurities. I hope those of you who read me with any regularity know that I don’t wish to sound repetitive if I say I am having a bad day, I am going to have lots of those. I know I use the words struggle, and weak and choices a lot. But that is part of my life right now, struggling to overcome feeling weak in the choices I make. I wish to be decisive and strong, but I don’t see myself as such.
In the coming weeks I will speak vaguely about a new addition to my family and our struggles to do what is right for all involved. I will not give details, but just know that the next several posts will be about this changing dynamic in my life and how I must for the first time in a long time make tough choices and stick to them come what may. I will falter and fail I am sure, but hope when all this turmoil is over I am stronger and more capable on the other side.
Please stick with me, I hope to write with insight over the next few weeks and hope to receive insight and inspiration from people who read my posts.
Thanks again for listening to my rants, I truly appreciate ever view.
Inspired by hitting the bottom and realizing that I am in control of my life I am going to start approaching things as if I have a vested interest in the outcome. My life is not a spectator sport, not to throw too many cliches’ at it, but its true. I need to get in the game and get involved.
I am going to shoot for a more upbeat and professional appearance at work. Spend my time wisely with family and friends. Try really hard to show Jacob how much I love him. Take care of our home. Yeah, I’m inspired, livin my life likes its golden, thank you Jill Scott. Your song is my current mantra.