Walking the walk

Yesterday, while I was at Physical Therapy, as my Therapist was digging into my hip I said something I can’t take back. I said out loud that I want to write a book, a book I think about empowering women to be feminine and successful without living up to the image of society, magazines, reality television and the pressure that we put on ourselves to be the best at everything we do. I have written outlines, short stories, poems and of course blog posts but the idea that I have been mulling around in my head was verbalized yesterday and I can’t put Pandora back into that box. It’s not a bad thing, not a complaint, but I know now that my fingers are ready to walk the walk.
I have I think found the balance in my medication at last, I am feeling better every day. Therapy; both physical and mental are going well and I am hopeful again. That’s a funny feeling hope, when it’s gone you crave it like water but don’t know how to find it. It’s amazing to me how much I have taken for granted. I am trying to be more grateful, I am trying to recognize that I am really lucky. And that is what I want this book, or idea or whatever it will turn out to be to focus on. We need only find satisfaction within ourselves to be truly happy. I know, it’s a cliché, but I like clichés they are true for a reason. So cheers to my next attempt and hopefully my renewed voice on the internet as I try this journey.

Rocking and Rolling….

Sisyphus was a Greek god, known for the story of the punishment inflicted upon him; he must push a rock up a hill only to have it roll down again for eternity. No satisfaction to be had for the labor or gratification of success because success was unattainable. It is a common reference to the everyday struggles that people face. In fact I have been thinking of this story for a while and how it really is applicable to life and everything we face daily and several of my favorite bloggers have recently referred to him by name so I thought I would satisfy this need in me to talk about my continued struggle to push that rock up the hill.

I feel like I have worked really hard emotionally for the last few months. The last 2 weeks have been a true test of will power and I think it says a lot that while I have struggled and cried I did not sink, I did not allow the dark to over take me as I have in the past. I hate to say it but I want some recognition for this fact. The hard road still lies ahead but now it seems lit by possibility. I know it’s kind of corny to say it that way but there is this world that is opening to me where I determine my course and when I am blown off track I can roll with it instead of freaking out on my husband or my family and friends. Not that I don’t have my freak outs, please I am still me at the core and freaking out is one of my specialties but I find that I am able to get better control now but just stopping and realizing that I don’t make the world spin.

I still have some tough decisions ahead; I still have some hard conversations that need to happen. I still have some struggles and don’t expect that I will ever have a day without some struggle. But I am confident now that if I continue my medication, continue my therapy, and continue to be open and honest with the world about what is going on with me that I will be able to look back in a few years and cheer. I am so looking forward to popping that champagne bottle and celebrating sanity and accepting my frailty. I can’t wait for the day when I can see it more clearly from the distance.

Ain’t no shame in this game

I keep stepping outside of my box. For so long I convinced myself that I will have a bad time if I go out and do things I did when I was younger. I was to scared, too tired, to sad to be around people. Oh what I have missed. I am trying not to live in this regret I feel, but I do regret, and I am sad because I missed so much by not reaching out and asking for help sooner. I have damaged relationships, caused rifts and missed out on some kick butt times.

Last night we had a company outing, we went to an outdoor country concert. I am not a huge country fan, but Jacob and I had a good time. We had a good dinner, had a couple of drinks, and we came home tired and entertained. Last weekend I ventured to a drive-in theatre and spent some memorable hours with my friends and the kids. I even went to a bar last week and listened to a band. See these are all things I would not have done a few months ago.

Jacob would try, he would push and coax and beg to get me to do things. To call my friends, to get out of the house and do things that were fun, not just work or my volunteer stuff. I was so bogged down in my issues I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I just can’t believe all I have missed.  The key now is to make sure I don’t over tax myself trying to make up for lost time. I can’t get those days back; I can only go forward from here. I can only try to repair the damage I have done, and hope that the relationships that are saved are better and solid for having gone through this.

So I guess I do have regrets, and the biggest one is thinking I would be weak if I asked for help. I needed the help; I need the medications and the unbiased ear that I speak to weekly. I also need my people to be aware of what is going on with me, and know that I am trying very hard and fighting for a new life for myself.  There is no shame in honesty, no shame in seeking a professionals help, no shame in needing to be balanced out by a little bit of medication. What I see in the mirror right now is a woman, who’s happier and more stable. I can’t believe that’s what I see.

7 days and counting

I have been taking the Adderall for 7 days now.

Here’s what I have discovered about it so far.

 I really have no appetite after I take it. Around 2-3 pm my stomach starts growling but my desire to eat is not there. Might not be a bad thing, I don’t know yet. I have to eat something right before taking it and I am trying to make sure it is loaded with protein.

 If I have a project, like cleaning or something that keeps me moving I don’t notice the hyper caffeine feeling, but if I am sitting at my desk I can tell I am on something.

 After 6 days of working hard, doing major projects and being very effective I crashed last night. I got home, made some dinner, ate a bit then decided to take a bath. I fell asleep in the tub. I know, not smart, thankfully I woke up, stumbled out of the tub and climbed into bed. That was at 7:30 pm. I slept until 8am, the time I am supposed to be at work. I don’t feel rested though. I think that might be the meds.

 The first few days I woke up very happy, and ready to go. The last 2 I have woke up sleepy and not happy. I get happy through out the day, and I would say overall I feel better. I am thinking I may need an adjustment to the dosage.

 I lose my train of thought a bit easier. I think it’s because my mind is racing right now. I am trying to get the words out so fast I forget how to say easy things. I have a pretty expansive vocabulary and I am having trouble grabbing onto simple phrases.

 Some of the positives are, of course my productivity. My house is in great shape right now and it’s only going to get better.  Overall I feel better, in that I am happier, more satisfied and my reaction to things seems more relaxed. I am a huge control freak and I found myself saying the other day while cleaning, “if it doesn’t get done, oh well”. Jacob looked at me totally shocked. I even paused and thought it was a bit weird, but not in a bad way. I can’t control everything.

My communication with people seems to have improved, in that I am making myself more available. I am reaching out and touching base with the people in my life, I am trying to be present. 

 I think this is a good experience for me so far, and my feeling good is the ultimate goal.