It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to write or even had the time to write. I need to make the time I know. Today is a strange day. Today is the anniversary of the death of my Uncle John. A wonderful, funny, caring, family man who was taken way to early by a horrific disease. Today upon waking up I was struck by thoughts of my family, cousins/his children, and Aunt(his wife) and his siblings my Auntie and my Dad. I struggle with the right words to express my feelings this morning. Sadness yes, depressed (usually), but I am trying to remember the good stuff. I know I will get there.
Additionally I am exhausted. I’ve spent the last 8 months working 2 jobs, but the second job is in service of my future. I am apprenticing to become a cosmetologist. Simply stated I go to an actual salon 3-4 days a week instead of to school and I learn hands on. It takes longer than cos. school but it’s less expensive and I learn better by getting in and doing it. It’s been fun to find a creative outlet that expands my mind and could make me some money 🙂
My depression and anxiety is mostly under control, although the last few days have been rough, which is probably why I am pulled to write today. I really need to find my balance again, and I am afraid it will take some difficult decisions to get it. But I can kick that can down the road a little longer.
The next 8 weeks will be insane. Between birthdays, holidays and an upcoming wedding, I’ll be busier than normal. But we will get through.
Thanks for reading….
Bouncing my leg in short burst of energy, designed to make me feel like I am doing something other than stare at the screen as it shines brighter than the walls that surround my monitors. Listening to the same songs over and over because if the station is changed hissy fits will ensue and no one here wants to rock that boat today. Annoyed because the songs get stuck in my head and roll around not making any since because it’s not my taste in music and I don’t know all the words to boot. Trying to keep my thoughts in a straight line, because my list is so long that I have run out of words and ink to write it. Looking for a mental break in the blogosphere but not finding what I seek. Attempting to quiet my mind and my shaking knee long enough to get a grip on the tasks at hand. Irritated because the auto-correct/grammar in my Microsoft Word keeps breaking my pattern of typing. Looking forward to tomorrow, 9:30pm when my deadline is up and the required time we’ve spent beating our heads against the wall is over. This will be the last time I do this in my current position and I will sigh with tremendous relief, no matter the outcome or score. Wishing for that peace I keep preaching about, but feeling my stomach in knots because other people won’t grow up long enough to move forward. Why do I dread my phone? Because I know that you will call it eventually and bash me over the head with your problems, not caring once for hers or mine, but only caring that you are the victim in the world you have created for yourself. But you won’t hear me when I remind you that this world and all that inhabit it are of your making.
Hoping that once I have written all of this down and pressed that publish button that my world will come back into focus so I can take my next step. Annoyed slightly because I have to make those damn choices I don’t want to make, I keep circling those things in my head hoping to get up the courage to execute. But for now, I will relish the fact that my knee has stopped bouncing and that my work day is almost to an end. I will finish my sprint to the deadline and get back into the marathon on Wednesday. Clicking off the tasks I can complete, hoping for a reprieve from those I cannot, but willing to take the hit for the team if the time comes and it needs to be done.
Quietly my soul whispers, “How do you eat an elephant Mere?” “One bite at a time” my mind says back. Good thing I am so hungry…..
So I was thinking that the main reason I wanted to write a blog was to find a neutral zone to talk about my feelings, random thoughts, etc. I thought it was such a good idea that I told no one I was writing this, for fear that people would read it and become upset about what I had or had not posted about them. To be far I have only written about a dozen blogs at this point so I haven’t really gotten into the meat of things yet, but I digress. What I came to realize in my decision to exclude those that love me is that no one is reading my blog. Or rather, no one is commenting on it. Which leads me to my shallow, selfish view of myself right now. I want people to read it, and laugh at me and mine and get mad at me because I didn’t include them or I did. I don’t mean I want people to cuss me out but I would like a little feedback, which I think makes me kind of selfish. Or maybe it’s not selfish, maybe its vain. Maybe I don’t know the right word for it, but I do know one thing. I am going to let my people know! And whether they read it or not will be up to them. And I will continue to write what pops into my head. And hopefully someone will get a giggle out of it, or a smile, or a frown and let a sister know about it. 🙂
Driven to distraction
While my heart seeks healing
My soul keeps stealing the sunshine that my skin needs
Thoughts are racing in my head and darting around looking for logic where there is none
Life keeps cycling while I hold both hands up and scream STOP but the world continues turning and rotating, breathing and dying
I need another diet coke and a head transplant to get my thoughts straight
Words into phrases into sentences
Deep breath, here we go again
Driven to distraction by my paper & pen
Centered in my universe by my paper & pen