Day to Day

I am hyper aware of myself right now. Over anazyling every emotion, reaction and change in mood. I have read this is common in people newly diagnosed with bipolar. So for a little relief from the bubble ready to burst inside I am going to ramble for a few minutes about these “issues”

As I said I am slightly anxious, a side effect of the changes in my medicine no doubt. I feel speedy one moment and wiped out the next.

Last night I couldn’t find a gift I had been given for Christmas. And as I was going to bed it suddenly became the most important thing in the world that I find it. I tore through the house, getting more frustrating, actually thinking someone was playing a trick on me. That maybe I had forgotten the gift somewhere and the giver was just waiting for me to ask for it. After chewing on that idea while I looked through drawers 2-3 times I actually had to stand up and tell myself that was silly. As I moved slower I found it, miraculously, where I had left it Christmas day when I came in from our travels. But of course I couldn’t let that relief stand because now I had to find my Kindle. I made myself go to bed, and counted in my head breathing deeply until that thought went away.

I am trying to remember that people don’t know what is happening in my head therefore it is not fair of me to expect them to react to me any differently than they have in the past. It is hard to remember that and be patient with them. I know I may fail at this on occasion.

I got my anti-psychotic drug last night ( finally) and was to afraid to take it. I will start this weekend when I can recover from it better. Which reminds me I have to go home and get it before I leave town for the weekend. Thank you blogging for reminding me.

I have been obsessing about something that is 6 months away. My grandparents will be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and someone I really don’t like will be attending. I keep rocketing between images of my being graceful and ignoring the boiling rage I feel toward this person, calling him and blasting him and threatening him within an inch of his life that if he ruins this day for my Grandparents I will hurt him, or doing that to his face. It’s stressing me out slightly.

I cried like a baby last night watching television, it was whack.

I am cold ( that has nothing to do with anything)

I am hungry ( that is surprising since I have no appetite on these meds)

I am signing off now. Thanks for listening, I feel slightly better.

Unexpected but very welcomed

I have a teenager living with me right now. A senior in high school reminding me what it was like to sit in the car with your parent and be grilled about your day at school, what your friends were doing this weekend and whether or not you were going to the upcoming dance. She is so fun to be with, and it’s novel for me since there are only 14 years between us. Wow, that is the first time I did the math, 14 years is a lot more than I feel. I can’t help myself from thinking forward to prom, and graduation and an open house to celebrate this milestone. But alas, she is not my daughter so my “rights” to those events is not exclusive, nor is my relationship with her. She is with me temporarily, how temporary is yet to be determined but I am enjoying the sense of motherhood, even if it’s way removed and 17 years advanced since she is not a baby or toddler or even an adolescent. It’s nice because I am not her mother she feels pretty comfortable talking to me openly about some of the challenges she has faced in the last year, and some of the things she is afraid of for her future. There is little fear of repercussions for her honesty with me.

I hope to keep her safe and happy until next May, but we will have to see if it’s going to happen. For right now I am enjoying having a teenage girl in my house, hogging the bathroom, sleeping on the couch and bumming around. It’s nice, and not something I thought I would have for a long time if ever.

Feeling like a fish

I am feeling like a fish trapped in a tiny bowl. Swimming circles around my world, and the only thing that is changing are the faces outside my bowl. I need to find a new path, a new way and say screw the fear. Its time this fish grew some legs and walked out of here. 

I am in love with my husband, our home, our dogs, our family and friends. I am tired however of the drama, the half-truths, the desperate cries for attention. I don’t have the energy, it takes a lot of me to swim in these circles. Define insanity, repeating the same things and expecting different results. I know this, and I preach this but can’t seem to live this. My life is more precious than this. I don’t want to be stuck in this bowl anymore, I need to do something, shake it up, change the scene, take care of me and mine and move on.

I don’t look in the mirror in the morning right now, because I know I won’t like what I see.  I am barely taking care of myself because I don’t care right now. I would blame it on the winter but winter is gone, spring is here and I should be growing with the grass and the trees.

But I feel like I am still swimming, still seeing my reflection in the side of the bowl. Still repeating the same thing over and over, and it doesn’t make me happy.

The trouble is, I don’t know what would make me happy, a change in direction, a new path, an attitude adjustment, a shower, a cookie, a walk with Jacob in the dark, a new kitchen, money in the bank, saying my prayers, helping my family…. I just don’t know if its one thing.

I got to get out of this bowl.