struggle

It’s been a rough couple days, weeks, years, whatever. I made a huge mistake and work and feel as though my credibility that I have spent 4 years building is now in the toilet. 3 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to emotionally handle this but I am doing it now, if not the most graciously. I am also working on keeping my trap shut, because I don’t always see eye to eye with the men I work with. I am the lone woman in a group of men, and I am an island. Soon though another woman will be joining our ranks, and I am not all that excited about it. Whatever, moving on.

My neck of the woods, Michigan has been hit twice in the last week with a lot of snow, but the good news is its almost over and soon the gray rains of March will wash away the snows. I didn’t lose any weight this week at our weigh in, but I didn’t gain so I am happy about that. I also get to eat 3 veggie heavy salads each week to help me out. Because the diet food and I aren’t great friends. Jacob’s lost another 7.5 lbs bringing his total lose to    70 lbs now, which is amazing and I couldn’t be more proud.

I guess there is a horrible stomach virus going around, and I am praying I don’t get it, unless its like Sunday night so my Monday weigh in is awesome 🙂 I feel scattered, as you can probably tell by the above rant. I feel off and not great and really want to go home and go to sleep, but I am thankful because its not a depression sleep, its an exhaustion sleep. Yay for the little things.

I had a  moral dilemma this week, on top of everything else. Maybe a moral dilemma isn’t the right phrase but its the best one I can come up with. I witnessed my bosses son doing something illegal, not like stabbing someone, but using tobacco as a minor. And my instinct was to tell my boss, but another part of me, the part that still wants to be a teenager or in my early twenties wanted to let it go and be “cool” about it. Because I did stupid stuff like that when I was 16, but I didn’t do it where adults could see it. See here’s the thing, I know that kids do this stuff, but knowing and KNOWING are 2 different things. I mean come on, he knew I was in the office working, and maybe its that he has so little respect for me or his Dad or his job that he just did it. But what I really think is, he’s a kid that thinks he is invincible. I know I used to think that. I wish I still thought that. But as we age (gulp) we realize that everything Mom and Dad said when we were younger is so TRUE. I wish I had this wisdom when i was there age, because then they might listen to me. But the won’t and don’t. Either way the punk got busted that night anyways so while I told my boss because it was my obligation, I still didn’t feel good about it. Maybe I will now that I have written this long a#* post.

I wonder if I am suppressing the stress that is usually tapping me on the shoulder. I have a lot to do, but I am approaching it with a lackadaisical attitude right now, and I think that is bothering me more than the stress usually does. I know I am moving slower and more deliberately since I made the ERROR here at work. It’s funny when you can see your Christmas bonus for this year already dwindling as the cost of fixing my mistake gets bigger. For now though I am going to drink some water to try to settle my stomach, take some deep cleansing breathes to calm my mind and nerves and hopefully finish the major projects that need finishing by Friday. Or maybe I will surf the web until my lunch is over, either way ta ta for now.

Advertisements

Day to Day

I am hyper aware of myself right now. Over anazyling every emotion, reaction and change in mood. I have read this is common in people newly diagnosed with bipolar. So for a little relief from the bubble ready to burst inside I am going to ramble for a few minutes about these “issues”

As I said I am slightly anxious, a side effect of the changes in my medicine no doubt. I feel speedy one moment and wiped out the next.

Last night I couldn’t find a gift I had been given for Christmas. And as I was going to bed it suddenly became the most important thing in the world that I find it. I tore through the house, getting more frustrating, actually thinking someone was playing a trick on me. That maybe I had forgotten the gift somewhere and the giver was just waiting for me to ask for it. After chewing on that idea while I looked through drawers 2-3 times I actually had to stand up and tell myself that was silly. As I moved slower I found it, miraculously, where I had left it Christmas day when I came in from our travels. But of course I couldn’t let that relief stand because now I had to find my Kindle. I made myself go to bed, and counted in my head breathing deeply until that thought went away.

I am trying to remember that people don’t know what is happening in my head therefore it is not fair of me to expect them to react to me any differently than they have in the past. It is hard to remember that and be patient with them. I know I may fail at this on occasion.

I got my anti-psychotic drug last night ( finally) and was to afraid to take it. I will start this weekend when I can recover from it better. Which reminds me I have to go home and get it before I leave town for the weekend. Thank you blogging for reminding me.

I have been obsessing about something that is 6 months away. My grandparents will be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and someone I really don’t like will be attending. I keep rocketing between images of my being graceful and ignoring the boiling rage I feel toward this person, calling him and blasting him and threatening him within an inch of his life that if he ruins this day for my Grandparents I will hurt him, or doing that to his face. It’s stressing me out slightly.

I cried like a baby last night watching television, it was whack.

I am cold ( that has nothing to do with anything)

I am hungry ( that is surprising since I have no appetite on these meds)

I am signing off now. Thanks for listening, I feel slightly better.

This is a public service announcement, to myself

I have spent a lot of time on here in the last few months talking about the struggles of my life, my wonderfully supportive husband, family and friends. I think I talked about my dogs once or twice. I know I have talked about some of my crazy “talents” and desires. And also about how therapeutic blogging is for me.

It’s been a really bad week for me, and today all I wanted to do was get on here and blast everyone that made me feel terrible. All the folks that I have cried about, and been sick over and who I now want to strangle because it just might make me feel better for a moment. But after seriously considering the damage it could do to my relationships I realized that I was the one in control of this. I am allowing these people, entities, tasks to do damage to me and that is the opposite of what I am reaching for. I admit that this is not a new revelation, but something that has been spoken in my ear for years by my Mom, Sister and Husband. Today I am speaking it to you dear readers and to my self. My sad little self that is sitting in the corner of my brain crying softly today because she has no control. Stand up, wipe the mud off your butt and know Mrs. Mere that you are better than this. You have done nothing to deserve the heartache you are heaping upon your shaggy little head. You are trying the best with what you have been given and working toward a noble goal. Do not be derailed by petty misplaced thoughts and deeds. Be strong and steadfast on your path and know that behind you stands the people who support you and in front is that world of possibility you strive for.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

To any of you out there who eat blame for breakfast, snack on doubt and don’t know that you are in control of your life and your emotions, NO ONE can make you feel badly about yourself, you give them that power. Take it back.

Rocking and Rolling….

Sisyphus was a Greek god, known for the story of the punishment inflicted upon him; he must push a rock up a hill only to have it roll down again for eternity. No satisfaction to be had for the labor or gratification of success because success was unattainable. It is a common reference to the everyday struggles that people face. In fact I have been thinking of this story for a while and how it really is applicable to life and everything we face daily and several of my favorite bloggers have recently referred to him by name so I thought I would satisfy this need in me to talk about my continued struggle to push that rock up the hill.

I feel like I have worked really hard emotionally for the last few months. The last 2 weeks have been a true test of will power and I think it says a lot that while I have struggled and cried I did not sink, I did not allow the dark to over take me as I have in the past. I hate to say it but I want some recognition for this fact. The hard road still lies ahead but now it seems lit by possibility. I know it’s kind of corny to say it that way but there is this world that is opening to me where I determine my course and when I am blown off track I can roll with it instead of freaking out on my husband or my family and friends. Not that I don’t have my freak outs, please I am still me at the core and freaking out is one of my specialties but I find that I am able to get better control now but just stopping and realizing that I don’t make the world spin.

I still have some tough decisions ahead; I still have some hard conversations that need to happen. I still have some struggles and don’t expect that I will ever have a day without some struggle. But I am confident now that if I continue my medication, continue my therapy, and continue to be open and honest with the world about what is going on with me that I will be able to look back in a few years and cheer. I am so looking forward to popping that champagne bottle and celebrating sanity and accepting my frailty. I can’t wait for the day when I can see it more clearly from the distance.

Money vs Mere

I have to say this, I flippin hate money. I mean I love money, because I get to have fun with it. I get to go out occasionally and whoop it up. But right now I hate money.

9 months ago I took a job I have wanted for a long time, it’s a small company with lots of room for ideas and growth. But in order to take the job I took less money and less hours, it was a sacrifice we were willing to make to have me happy and in a positive environment. But for some reason, we didn’t adjust well to the diminished funds, and have struggled every month since my job switch to pay the bills and to still try to have fun like young people should. I have had to say no a lot lately, and my poor Hubs has had to say no to me a lot and he doesn’t like doing that. He wants me to be happy, so when I pout it makes it hard for him to be strong and the stable financial force in our relationship. I am a terribly bad influence, don’t worry I have been discussing this with my therapist; he thinks there is hope for me.

I so badly want to not pay my bills anymore, live in a dark room with candlelight and read books. Who cares about TV and internet when there is a library on my back porch? Well let’s be honest, I care. But I wish I didn’t care so much about being an upright citizen. Damn Money and its never-ending hold on me and actually on everyone I know.

I am told that most people live pay check to pay check when they are my age, I know this to be true usually, but there a few that I know, my sister is one, who is really good with money, really smart and good at savings, I didn’t learn that lesson for some reason. The worst part is I have the tools, my Mom bought us the Dave Ramsey tools and we got scared of trying. I am feeling the need to pull out the book and the workbook and make our plan. Thank god for the Adderall, it makes me super focused and this is my mission. I want to get out of this hole and live a full life with my Hubs. See this face (well this blog) it is that of a determined mind. Brace yourself checkbook, I am coming for you.